Quote:
Originally Posted by Moment
Her question about what you "need" her for may have been sincere but it sounds very badly phrased. Perhaps she is trying to understand what her role will be going forward. I think you could reasonably say, "I don't feel I need a regular therapist, but we have a long history together and I'd like to know you were there occasionally if I needed a session to talk about an issue that comes up." I even think you could say, "I hoped you would miss me and would want to be in touch and it's hurtful that you don't seem to feel that way." The question is, what will your relationship be if she is "retired' from being a therapist.
I think she's handled this badly but, as I said, it's a new experience for her too, to be retiring. If it were me I'd just go in and admit everything you feel--admit that you felt ashamed, admit that yes, it is her you want, and talk about how the ambiguity is hard for you. Maybe it would be better for you both to say that the therapy relationship is basically ending and that she will be available for the occasional card or call just to stay "in touch" but for therapy you need to have a local, new therapist. I know how hard it is, though, to even think about someone new. I'm sorry you're going through this. Honestly it sounds to me like your therapist has some of her own stuff going on there.  |
Thank you so much for this. It's really helpful. I also think my T did things very clumsily. She has a habit of doing this. She tends to blurt things out without thinking them through, which I know comes straight from her heart, but it seems she doesn't realise the impact of her words or the impact on me if for some reason it could not happen.The more we talk about this retirement issue, the more she changes the 'rules'. Initially she told me I could still see her, nothing would have to change except that I couldn't pay her anymore. A while later she said things are changing for us. And now all of a sudden she thinks I need a new therapist as she will be away alot. I just don't understand why she keeps changing. I need her to be confident and consistent about this, not wishy washy. She said she has had to rethink what it is that she is actually offering me and that it's not a tangible thing. This is certainly not how she said it in the beginning. It's messing with my head and my feelings.
I did send her an email and said I do not want to be a burden to her, that she doesn't need this in her life, that I feel ashamed of my feelings and that I need to end this now if I want to have any dignity left. I said it has all been about me needing her and being vulnerable and her not wanting to let me down, but if I am like a daughter to her like she has said before, I am not feeling like it's mutual anymore, that she actually wants to still see me or would miss me.
I said I will always be grateful for everything she has done for me and that she has been like a mum, an auntie, a family friend, someone older and wiser than me that I can turn to because I don't have that in my life. But that I don't want this to be a one sided relationship. I said I feel weak and needy and can't go on feeling like this.
T responded that she needs time to absorb it and that she had hoped to be a support to me in the future and that she had good intentions. And it was out of kindness that she offered it but that maybe it is impossible and maybe wrong of her to suggest it. She said she can't say anymore right now because she didn't want to distress me anymore.
I am upset that she wasn't confident and strong in her offer to me and is now considering that it may have been wrong of her. I haven't replied. I have cried and cried and cried. I feel like I am grieving a huge loss without her to turn to. I feel totally lost in life now.
