As some of you know, I was recently terminated by my ex T, one month ago today actually. I've not begun to get over it, if anything I've been getting worse. A couple of days ago a friend recommended her T to me, and even though I don't really like the idea of therapy anymore, I can see I am not functioning well and I have to do something. So, I called, and I have an appointment on Monday.

It was excruciating leaving the initial phone message. Saying I was terminated by my last T made me feel really ashamed and like she'll not want me as a client, because who knows what I must have done to deserve that. I said I realized that could be tricky so I would understand if she'd rather not see me. But when she called back she said she is entirely comfortable talking to me about it, no problem. Which was helpful.

Still though, I've been trying to imagine being in a new T's office and it feels like it will just bring this shame I am feeling to a really acute point. All I can really envision is sitting down and bawling and wishing I was invisible for 50 minutes.

At the same time, I feel slightly more hopeful just having done something. And because I'm now imagining how to explain what happened to this new T, and I'm thinking it through a lot, I had an epiphany of sorts. When I was a kid in school and getting picked on -- something I talked to my ex T a lot about, because years of social rejection had left me with a lot of issues -- I typically felt confused and befuddled as to what I had done to disgust people and make them despise me. Well, that's how my ex T has made me feel all over again. I don't know what I did to disgust him -- but it seems like I did -- and I feel lost and confused and ashamed. No wonder the "child parts" acted up so intensely after this happened, it paralleled some of those bad experiences.

So, it's been a bit helpful just to set up the appointment, but I'm worried that if the new T comes across as wondering what I did wrong, I will just be hurt all the more. I already feel like I'm in the wrong somehow, I don't need more scrutiny along the lines of "Yes, what is wrong with you anyway?" It just feels like a huge risk.

Has anyone had a positive experience with a new T after a bad break-up with an ex T?