Okay, I have a problem with the definitions? :-) In your scenario you have all the control on both your thoughts, feelings, words and deeds and mine. In fact, you only get control of your own thoughts, feelings, words, and deeds. You can feel hurt but can't blame me for it! Your hurt is based on your insides, not my actions. My self is outside your self and all your stuff comes from inside you, not outside you. Things on the outside happen to us but how we respond is all ours.

If someone says or does something and I feel hurt by it (I take responsibility for it being "my" hurt), I want to understand what is going on. If it is a loved-one, I have trouble believing they are deliberately trying to hurt me. I investigate, talk it over with them, see if we can both come to an understanding of what is going on, how I came to feel hurt and what can be done to help make sure that sort of situation doesn't happen again. That's very like what I learned to do in therapy with my therapist.

If it is not a loved-one, I look at my history with that person to see if I should talk with them or if they do this often and don't give a ----. If they don't give a, then I make a decision on how to avoid them and situations of this kind with them. I also think up a "speech" to give, with consequences, for the next time a situation like this happens with them (telling a boss if it happens again I'll have to leave his employ, report him to his boss, etc.).

If it's not someone I know and I feel hurt I look at my own history to see what I'm projecting or transferring onto that person and think of ways I can remind myself of the work I'm doing in that area of myself and ways I can protect myself so being hurt doesn't happen in similar situations in the future.

One thing I have trouble with is sometimes confusing hurt with embarrassment. Sometimes I do something someone else confronts me with and I feel hurt they confronted me when in fact, I'm embarrassed at my own behavior (or opposite, feel embarrassed when I may be hurt or feeling humiliated at being confronted). I want to learn to look hard at my hurt and see what it actually is so I can respond the "next" time appropriately. If my behavior was inappropriate, I want to correct that, even though it's painful to look at/remember. If I feel someone else's behavior was inappropriate (humiliating me) I want to follow the loved-one, non loved-one, no one I know advice to myself.