it was a long session. i have been having a lot of heart problems and had just got out of the hosp Wednesday. and this was thursday. i was so completely anxious after the surgery i had .i sat down and instantly my T knew that something was wrong . she asked me and i started to panic and cry. i couldnt respond so she started to tell me to talk to her and to not just sit there crying . i asked her to give me a minute to collect myself. she said no that she wanted me to talk to her as i am upset .that it was ok and i needed to let her know what was going on .she was raising her voice again so it made me even more anxious. i was sobbing and she just pushed me more .

i told her about how i have been panicking ever sense i got out of hosp. i explained what was going on with my heart and how i need to make a lot of changes but at this point i just dont care. im tired and just feel like crap. she brings up the fact that i have been talking with the mother again and that she sees that this is what is contributing to my deteriorating health. she says the mother is toxic to me and will eventually kill me if i keep playing around with talking to her . i cant deal with this at all .i dont want to so i know im just hiding in myself .i dont want to talk to her any more . again she insist that i need to start talking to her about the mother ,the brother and farther ,the horror show of a mother.i still didnt want to talk .i didnt want to deal at all i wanted to just run and my T was so angry at me .

she asked me why in the heck did i start communicating with the mother again . i just couldnt answer her . i dont know why .i tried to tell her that and she said bull sh!tyou need to talk to me and yo know why .she then asked me how long have i been talking to her . she was so angry.sh asked if i had ever really stopped talking to her . she was so upset she kept saying that she couldnt believe that she didnt see this coming . she wanted me to understand so badly how toxic she felt the mother was . i was so upset all i could do is cry . she would ask me if i could see how being in contact with her was killing me .she also said that i was lying to her about being in contact with her and that she couldnt trust what i say to her anymore about the mother . she asked me if i was so suicidal at this point that i would keep from her how bad things had gotten and how far back i have gone . i just wanted to run out of there . i was scared and upset. i couldn't speak and she kept demanding that i do but i couldnt i grabbed my stuff and got up and she shouted for me to sit back down that i was not going to leave the office .but i coldnt give her what she wanted and she would ask me why am i coming to see her if im not going to talk to her .

she started talking about how she had not seen how bad things had got .she thought that we were moving forward and doing ok . she said that it was probably what she wanted to see . but that i am literally killing myself and she missed it .she started to cry at this point .that completely freaked me out even more. i felt so bad for her . i had not lied to her but she would not believe me .she just didnt seem to remember me talking to her about conversations i had with the mother . she wanted me to talk,to look at her .she kept raising her voice to get me to look at her . but i couldnt move . she said that she thinks she was going to need to do something drastic .she wanted to call my husband and have me put in the hospital because i was not thinking straight .

again she started to cry saying again that she sees me killing myself right in front of her and she doesnt know what to do .she doesnt know how to save me .she said she cares about me and it is breaking her heart to see what i have been doing to myself and she had no idea . it was like i had all this stuff going on and she just let me sit there talking about crafting . she accused me of spending all this time pretending .and all this time i was being so self destructive. she said it isnt about my bad diet and having my diabetes be so out of control,or the exercising and following up on my heart condition. sh said it is getting to the root of why i dont care and feel that i dont deserve to live . why im listening to the mothers voice in my head telling me she wishes i was dead . she said that it is time i started to deal with this stuff. she said she knows it is hard and so painful but now that she is aware of how bad things have gotten that she cant let me pretend any more. she kept saying things like now that she knows the truth etc...

i told her she needed to get over being so upset at me . this only made her more upset .she raised her voice again saying that she did not and what did i expect.of coarse she is angry. all this time and i didnt expect that she would go ballistic . she said i needed to start talking or she would contact my husband and have me brought to the hospital . she said we need to start dealing with this stuff but i was so paralyzed. she was crying again saying that she had no idea how to get through to me at all . she was talking and talking and i couldnt respond i just wanted to calm down i knew eventually i was going to have to leave or she was going to put me in the hospital .

she asked me again why i had started talking to the mother again .i said guilt .she said it back to me .GUILT of course you felt guilty .did you think it wold be all cake and roses .did you think it would be easy . its hard as hell and yes you feel guilty .but it is at the point that you need to make a choice .guilt or living .you keep in contact with the mother it will kill you .that woman it evil . she killed your brother and now she doesnt care if what she does to yo will eventually kill you as long as she gets what she needs from you . she doent love you she cant love you and if you continue to go down this road it will kill you and i dont know how to stop you and it is breaking my heart to see you do this to your self. you have survived so much ,accomplished amazing things against all odds and im watching you just throw it all away for the hope of a good mommy that is never going to happen . she asked if i would rather be dead than to deal with the pain of not having the mother who loves me .

i am so confused and in so much pain. sometimes do do feel i would rather choose death than feeling the debilitating guilt that i feel around the mother and also my brother . again i kept quiet because i didnt want her to put me in the hospital . she said we needed to make a plan. what was i going to do next. i have no freaking idea .she said she would not be a good therapist if i let you keep pretending . she had kept me there for over an hour and a half. she was ready to let me go so i just left .numb and so tired .i know she really cares about me but that scares me a lot .