Hi folks. So, as the title says, this is my first post in this forum although I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder often. The diagnosis frustrates me significantly though, which is probably why I've stayed away from this forum, and I'd like some feedback please.

Though my providers are confident that I have depression, we have always begun with the typical set of depression questions such that you would find in the depression quiz here on psych central and I struggle to answer them every time. I have high functioning autism, which doesn't help answering questions, and when I get lost, I tend to stay lost. But here's the thing (or at least one thing):

I became physically disabled suddenly about five years ago. Questions like, "I have lost interest in aspects of life that used to be important to me." are certainly a resounding 'yes' but then, I simply am incapable of doing them any longer. I mean, is that depression or lack of physical ability? How do I tell?

My primary physical disability is myasthenia gravis, a rare auto-immune disorder that, translated from Latin, means 'grave muscle weakness'. Typically, the way people die with this is that they become so weak that their pulmonary system no longer has the strength to breathe and, next stop death. So, questions like, "I feel fatigued" stymie me. I mean, of course I do! I have grave muscle weakness!

The pleasure is gone out of life? What the heck? I sit if I am strong enough, rather hungry but don't have enough energy to stand long enough to cook breakfast, lunch rolls around and I don't have the energy or strength to stand long enough to make lunch. Often, I want to respond to a post but am using all my strength to hold myself upright, and if I lift my hands to type I'm going to face-plant on the keyboard. Where is the pleasure - but this is physical...I mean, if you can't do anything, then how are you supposed to feel pleasure over the things you do?

Which is not to say that I'm not grateful when I do have the strength to do these things - I'm glad I can write this post right now and I just ate for the first time today at 3:30pm...but I had to take rather large quantities of narcotics (prescribed) to be able to do so. Without them, I am worthless (not my value as a person but my ability to do even basic things).

I wonder about the diagnosis though. It's like, under the influence of meds, I WANT to cook meals, get the dishes done, fold laundry, etc. It's just without them, I can't. I mean, sure I feel hopeless about the future - there's no cure, no treatment, I'm in constant pain, can't work, living on $177/month...what's to look forward to but more pain, more struggle to get through tomorrow, etc. That seems rather reasonable in my spot though.

The last thing is just this: I don't feel much different emotionally than I have my whole life. My therapist has raised the possibility (reasonably I think, knowing my life) that I've been depressed for so long that it's all I know any longer and I wouldn't recognize 'not depressed' if it came and slapped me upside the head.

How can I tell?