Quote:
Originally Posted by Arbie
How many times has this happened to you during your childhood?
Another child has been somehow tormenting you, maybe hitting, or pinching, or (as was often the case with me) tickling. And then as you're screaming in pain and telling the other child to stop, the parents come in from another room and scold or punish you for causing a disturbance. Try to explain that the other child started it, and you get, "You're the one we heard." They don't care that you were being hit, pinched, tickled, or whatever, as long as you don't make noise.
The worst sin I could commit as a child was to need anything which would call attention to my own existence. Being "good" meant staying out of the way and being quiet. Doing otherwise brought swift and decisive punishment.
Sometimes I think I existed only when it was convenient for my mother that I exist. When I could be called on to do a chore, I existed. When I could provide entertainment, I existed. ("Sing that song for us. You sound so cute." Later I would discover I was singing the wrong words, and nobody ever corrected me. I now wonder if, by asking me to sing, they were setting me up to laugh at my mistakes. Oh, and even if it was a song I hated, saying no was not an option. The reason for my existence was to be cute, so I'd better get on with being cute, dammit.)
But when my parents were busy with their own concerns, I might as well not exist to them.
Stay out of the way.
Be quiet.
Don't bother me.
It makes me wonder if they ever really wanted kids in the first place. They said they did, but did they really?
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Arbie, you're special and important. She is losing out on a wonderful child if she would just open her eyes and heart and realize how much you feel neglected. I don't think mine will ever "get it". As far as "staying out of the way, and being quiet" I understand that way too well. My father worked swing shifts, and we had to be quiet for him and for her also. Is your Mother still like that with you too? Does she want to share anything with you or know about your life? How is she with any siblings?
I understand what you've gone through. I was the first born, my mother was 21, Dad was 24. I would ALWAYS have to to the chores, and sometimes my mother would punish me for rebelling or questioning why my brother didn't have to do any. I got hit, spanked, punished waaaay more than my brother. He got all the praise and he kept his mouth shut most of the time. Unless he would sing a sing for the family or play something on the piano. I however, excelled at dancing, and wonderful girly things until I got into high school. I got into drama, was very social, had lots of friends and we would have theater parties at my house. My mother was "everyone's mom" and would talk to them about problems. She wouldn't even listen to me and be "my Mom." She would put my brother and I into competition against each other, (so did my grandmother and aunts--they were all about encouraging the boys to excel, girls were to just be quiet and get married and have babies.) I didn't subscribe to that way of thinking. My mother would encourage my brother to be with all of us at the theater functions and go into theater. Also she would talk about how proud she was of his piano playing, and fight me on mine. I had no problem playing the piano, but I resented her "making me do it." I just feel like I was the "practice" child for the one she really wanted.
My heart goes out to you, and I hope you know you're not alone.