Session today was good: productive. He said it was nice to see me after a longer than anticipated break. He asked how things have been, and I said terrible. That it had been so long that I didn't know where to start. "Well, start at the beginning until you get to the end, I guess." I said that the beginning is a blur. Too much time has passed. I told him why this week has been a dumpster fire. "Well that's descriptive imagery." He said he was sorry. It did sound like a really bad week.

Then I told him what happened last weekend. He was writing furiously at this point. He said he understood why I reacted the way I did. I laughed because I don't even understand why I reacted the way I did.

Then he asked how I was doing so far. Sessions after breaks can be difficult. I said it was okay thus far but felt awkward. I can't really get into why. It would identify T. It brought up the conversation about boundaries. I said I'm generally able to respect other people's boundaries, but setting my own was difficult. Ended up taking about a thing at work where I've been avoiding interacting with someone because I provide services for her son.

T was very helpful in helping me brainstorm some professional ways that I could set the boundary with the coworker in a way that isn't inappropriate.

This led into a conversation about how I use work as a coping mechanism. That I don't assert boundaries at work because it allows me to be busy to the point that I don't have to think about much else. He recommended that I find something else to heavily occupy my time in a different arena until I can develop more healthy coping skills. We discussed physical things like me doing more cross stitch or going to the gym more often.

Then he made the comment about how it seems like I am beyond busy and was I minimizing that? I said I was at the peak of the roller coaster. The drop is just beginning. He said that sounded both exhilarating and terrifying. I agreed and told him about the shuffle at work. Where and what is everyone teaching next year? I know what, but with whom is a question I don't have the answer to. That's assuming that I have a job next year.

He pushed me on that. Why wouldn't I? I told him a rumor that I heard about one of my coworkers who is possibly being put on an improvement plan if testing numbers are bad. I had to explain why improvement plans are bad. How my principal practically decided not to hire the long term sub when he heard that her admin wanted to put her on a plan. Plans can kill teaching careers.

I talked more about testing. They moved up the date from next Friday to Wednesday, which is very bad personal timing. I ended up this week making an appointment with a pdoc to discuss anxiety medication, but now I'm probably going to be highly activated because of testing.



I said I was concerned that the pdoc would want to hospitalize me. How that would practically get me fired. T said that I should take my safety plan to show that I have something in place if I was that concerned. How if it comes up that he wants me to call him. "If I don't answer, keep calling. I'll know it's serious. I know you well enough to know how important your career is to you. I don't want you to be hospitalized."

I sighed and looked off into the corner of the room. "What's on your mind, Daisy?"

"Nothing. I'm oddly blank."
"First day back and blank is okay. You've acclimated back well."
"How so?"

Apparently I needed a lot of micro pauses at the beginning of the session. But now I seemed more comfortable. I said that it was nice to have a second set of eyes to obverse things like that. That I was too subjective and needed objective eyes.

Sat in silence for a minute. I didn't know what to talk about. He said we had about 15 minutes. So I said the only other thing that popped in my head was the event from last weekend, but there wasn't enough time to delve into it. He said he agreed and thought it was good insight. I shrugged my shoulders lazily but said nothing. "Too tired for sarcasm?" I laughed and said that sarcasm indeed required more mental energy than I had.

He asked me if I wanted to make a note about the thing to discuss later. I said yes because I couldn't figure out why I'd reacted as viscerally as I did and I felt like it was important. He said he agreed and wanted to tell me that was also insightful, but at this point it would sound derivative.

I made an aside and thanked him for not being stupid. I know that I've been smarter than a lot of my therapists, and it was nice to have him be able to keep up with me. He said he appreciated that and replied that he enjoyed me as a client because I am so insightful into my experience.

I said I had some questions about EMDR. I want to go down that road. What steps lead to processing and when will I know that I'm ready. He answered the second question first. That I'll just know, but he's also using his knowledge to help pace our sessions toward that as the goal. He then said that he'd want to do more discrete practice on containment strategies and emotional regulation. He'd want to know that if I became very disregulated after processing that I'd reach out to someone for support, be that him or someone else.

I told him that I'd had the impulse to call him last weekend after the thing.
"Why didn't you?"
"I was afraid that you wouldn't answer and I would not have handled that well."
"I'm going to write that down to discuss later. Would you agree that's important to explore?"
"Yes."

He asked if I'd been satisfied with his answers about EMDR. I said yes, and he said he was glad I was considering it. He said he's not been pushing EMDR, though, because he's felt like we've done really good work thus far without going down that road.

Session was about over, and he said that he'd like to try to schedule earlier if possible next week. He wanted to be there for me around the pdoc appointment and state testing. It works out that he'll be able to see me directly after my pdoc appointment. So I'll have two appointments to discuss on Tuesday.