Though this post could be put in multiple categories, I'm placing it here because the real issue, as I see it, is a mental health issue rather than a disability issue. I have been fighting for social security disability for five years now. Recently, on the advice of my attorney, I applied for services at the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation. His reasoning was that if DVR is unable to find me employable, then we have a governmental agency saying that I'm basically unemployable due to a disability and that social security will not be able to ignore that.

I've gone and applied and was told that their funding is extremely limited at this point and if I qualify for services, I will be put on a waiting list unless they determine that I am in the most extreme category - which is all they have funding for at the moment. Well, I got a letter in the mail yesterday and they've determined that I am in the most extreme category of disabled and I have an appointment. Here's the issue:

I have a dissociative disorder. Severe childhood trauma/abuse caused me to find a way to ignore what was happening to my body and I became very, very good at it. i.e. I have had three heart attacks at work over the years and continued working until my shift was over in each case. In one instance, I not only finished my shift but actually came in the next day because we had a lot to do that week and I wanted to get my crew prepared to meet our requirements without me prior to going in to the hospital. I finished that shift too, had surgery the next day and was the first one at work the following day. Call it stupid if you wish, but it is who I am. I've made progress on this believe it or not, but I'm still over the top.

So I'm going to go to DVR and jump through their hoops. How do I know when to stop? I am capable of pushing myself to death - I know this about me. What I don't know is when is it appropriate to stop and say that I can't continue? I mean, in my head, if I'm not dead, I can keep going. If I am dead, well, I can probably keep going for another week or two before I figure it out. (Ok, was joking there)

I guess that's it. I'm in pain 24/7/365. My body wants to quit on me 24/7/365. If there's no pressure, no responsibilities that I have to do, then I find I often don't have the strength to make myself something to eat, or to take a shower, or the dishes, etc. But give me a job to do and expect me to get it done, and it'll get done. Do that and they very well may find me capable of working which will likely kill me. My judgment on this issue stinks - I could use a formula, something concrete to sink my teeth into. It's not ideal....developing judgment would be better, but I really don't have the time to learn that skill to a reasonable competency in the time I have left before my appointment.

Idea's? Suggestions? Thoughts?