I was aware very early that something was off. I adored my father and was his favorite. I could read at four and wrote my first story at six, because of him. He read the classics to me and we both knew I was born to write. He drove a taxi and used to let me ride along and we would sing all the classics and the old Irish songs. Everyone loved him.
And three months before my 11th birthday he went to work one day and had a heart attack. He died in his cab. He was only 37.
I was the oldest of three girls and after a couple of months the other
parent left and gave us to the monster.
I won't go into details but it was bad. As the oldest, I took the brunt of
it. My room was in the basement and I am still terrified of the dark. But the worst part of it was that it (the monster) was my father's mother and it blamed us for his death. I was 35 before I found out my father had scarlet fever as a child and his early death was inevitable.
We ran away often but the police always brought us back. We talked about getting rid of it (the monster) but were not cold blooded enough to do it.
So I think I began to lose my mind almost from the beginning. At fifteen I became aware of a black box that was inside my head that talked to me.
I have five alters. One is most loving and kind and one is a nightmare who
has tried to kill me and other people. When she is out, my amnesia is permanent and complete most of the time. She tried to make me drink nail
polish remover, set my apartment on fire, tried to get me evicted, etc.
I have gone for years with them submerged but extreme stress opens the door.
I do not remember getting married the second time. When my son died when I
was 32, my bad alter hijacked me for two years.
I woke up in a casino in Vegas. She had become a professional blackjack player and had a new car, new wardrobe, apartment. She is really good at
pretending to be me when she needs to. But her make up, hair, taste in clothing and jewelry is different.
Sometimes where I've chosen to live has been my choices sometimes hers. And we have lived all over the country. Same for my choice in companions-
even husbands. She would like to take over and run my life full time but that is
not going to happen.
You asked me how it feels now that I'm in control, but you can probably guess.
It feels amazing!
The VA was giving me a class 2 narcotic and I was dying. On Jan. 9, 2017, I
got lucky and a new doc changed all my meds. Without the narcotics, or the
tequila, they can't come out. I stay away from stress as much as possible.
My life has been pretty amazing, and I am happy with my cat, my work, books and movies. And this is a pretty good bunch of folks here.
I've been as honest with you as possible and revealed things few people know.
I hope it helped. I'm very glad you will be seeing someone but don't be overly
worried. Perhaps your imagination is just experimenting. You're smart. Hang
around. You'll figure this all out.
Flower