I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I like the 8 cylinder/4 cylinder engine analogy Wild Coyote's pdoc talked about. I've felt similarly and that's a really good way to explain it.

During 2016 and 2017 I was heavily medicated and didn't know who I was other than a person who slept a lot and answered questions slowly. I tapered off just about everything and I'm trying a minimalist approach towards pharmaceuticals right now, just PRNs if needed. I still don't know who I am because I have a disorder that gives me several different me's. Depressed me is way different from hypomanic me, and that person is even way different from manic me. Let's not even think about mixed me. I still don't know who baseline me is, and I wonder if I ever will. It seems like I and others with BP get to choose between all the me's that are defined by my mood state and the overmedicated me. I thought I found out who I was, someone who watched sunrises and sunsets every morning and evening from the tops of mountains, had no fear of steep ravines home to dozens of skier and hiker fatalities, had millions of creative and unique thoughts a minute, acted boldly without thinking, and said what was on her mind regardless of how it would be interpreted by those around me. I found out that was hypomanic me. The real me doesn't say "hey, I'm up at 1am anyway, let's just throw a dart at a map and drive up to 3 hours to hike up to 10 miles in the dark and watch sunrise every day." Yeah, she may do something similar, but it would take much more than an hour of planning, an alarm clock, and a trip to DD's, and that wouldn't happen every day.

It's hard never being sure of your identity. Who would we be without the meds, the mania, and the depression? This may sound pessimistic, but I don't think we'll ever know. Sure it's possible to be off meds and stable, but when I'm there I don't think that's the true me either because I'm always scared of a relapse and (somewhat frantically) avoiding things or doing things just because of that. It's okay though. Everyone has a thing or twenty about them where they wonder where they would be without it, and in many cases they never get to find out.

Sure you can find out who you are without the meds, but it's risky and there's a good chance you won't find out who baseline, unmedicated you really is.