Sounds like you are really struggling with the repression and not your sexuality.
I would want to explore it with my t, about what’s it been like for you to hide this part of yourself but still have the yearnings and longings. It’s denying a huge part of you that won’t be repressed anymore.
You don’t have to run away with a woman but how about entertaining the idea of being with a woman instead of repressing and denying that part. It has been my experience that the more we deny certain feelings, the stronger and louder they become.