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My Paper Heart · May 06, 2018, 05:32 PM

Hi. I'm new here.

I have a laundry list of issues -- most officially diagnosed, a few not (because they're not high on the priority list) -- but my most challenging one is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, which I diagnosed but my doctors confirmed it almost a year ago). In January (or at least that's when I started noticing it), I began having episodes of depersonalization when I became overwhelmed. During the episodes, which last until I can sleep it off, it's like someone flips a switch and my emotions turn off; everything becomes mechanical and purely logic-based. Other things that happen to me during an episode -- I feel numb and dizzy, things seem fuzzy, all of my senses dull immensely, and I usually don't remember anything specific afterward -- may be part of it and/or can be learned behaviors as part of my Somatic Symptom Disorder. Either way, it really sucks.

I've researched how to help alleviate/end individual episodes but nothing works for me. The problem is that everything wants to ground you to reality via your senses... but what if your senses don't work properly? I'm pretty sure I have Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, a diagnosis on the back-burner, although maybe it won't be for much longer) which is getting in the way of the suggested methods. For example: I can't feel anything but light pressure after touching something for ~15-20 seconds without moving and after touching ice for even 5 seconds, whatever touched the ice goes numb and I can't feel anything -- even the cold or pressure -- until the area warms back up. That definitely doesn't let the "allow an ice cube to melt in your hand" method work. I even made a joke to myself that my senses are so off that the only thing I can taste is vinegar... which actually inspired me to try it when I dissociated and it did help a tiny bit (5 shot glasses of balsamic vinegar later).

Maybe a month, a month and a half ago, I realized that techniques I was starting to use to help the BPD-caused dissociative episodes were based on the same ideas as those for SPD. I began trying the same techniques to help *prevent* the episodes. I can't really tell if it's working though.... I'm having many more episodes (almost daily), with some starting in morning (whereas in the past they would only ever start after work) but now they're way less intense and the ones that begin in the morning can (if I catch it early enough and do promptly do something about it) fade away as the day wears on. However, as I said before, the episodes are brought on by feelings of being overwhelmed and that's happening a lot more now thanks to work's increasing stress levels (due to my boss' bullying and a constant subconscious fear of being fired, regardless of my conscious mind's lack of caring/knowing that it'd be healthier for me to not work there anymore). Anyway, I think the SPD techniques are working but there are too many variables to definitely say yes or no.

I was wondering if anyone else has tried something like this and if so, has it worked?
Does anyone have any other ideas or suggestions that might help?

I'm open to anything that may work... I spend all of my so-called "off time" either working or dealing with health crap, with the health issues causing so many problems that I'm falling behind with work. I have to do something to deal with this properly because this is just setting off a snowballing cycle: I'm behind on work --> I get more stressed out --> I get more instances of my health problems to deal with --> I fall even further behind --> I get even more stressed out... so on and so on. This has to stop before it gets any worse.