Quote:
Originally Posted by eye2797
Life has been Ok for the about the last week, once I came out of my hypomania.
I am still having trouble in the sleep area but am on the fence with it. I sleep more towards the morning hours and want to stay in bed till like one.
This is not what my P and T want.
Over the last few months I feel like I am getting to understand this BP stuff. Than the shat hits the fan.
I feel like a failure reasons of:
sleep issues
I feel like my husband hates me, and I try to please him
I do not work
I have a hard time with house stuff
Hubby goes silent
I cancel plans a lot
I am weak when it gets tough, I want to bail on life and I do not how to explain that , I am little depressed but yet I still do not want to live. I guess cause I can see my failures and understand them. I am a living breathing no purpose to be here blob.
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somehow, somewhere, I lost all motivation. I used to be described as ambitious, arrogant and aggressive. now it's a triumph to wake up, let alone get dressed, bother eating... cleaning the house, pfft-- only when manic.
i have this passive desire for death. I know how much suicide would hurt my family, so instead i just wait for it. hope for it. that kind of thing.
I also live like a hermit. I don't want to be around people. for one, when I am depressed I am morbid and fatalistic. I bring everyone down and can't not do it. second, when I am manic, i am also usually irritable as all hell. little things set me off and I have a sharp tongue.
I don't like being either of those people. And last, I feel more alone in a crowd than in a basement with all the lights turned off staring into blackness.
My life has done several 180s.