Malady, I cried when I read this. Not out of sadness, just out of appreciation for what you have said.

This is hard, what else can I say. I know many here have been through things like this and others have experience pain that only they know what this feels like as they were the ones it has happened to. But all of us here know what it feels like to suffer and feel at the end. But it is here where we try to heal these feelings and reading others stories, I too feel the sorrow being poured out.

I had blocked out so many of these memories and now that things are coming out, its frightening. But I am beginning to know pieces of my life that I wanted to find. And at times it seems like ending my life is better, its only the sadness starting to come out. Someone recently said to me, 'Justy, death is not a choice.' NO its not as there are little ones counting on me to make a good life for them. We as parents, caregivers, grandparents; we teach them, set them up for the rest of their growing and learning, experiencing what they need to as they become and develop whats inside of them. We form them for the rest of their lives and I don't want my kids to look back as I am now with the pain and years of depression. They will have struggles as everyone does. But they are strong and I want for them to keep that strength and build on it. As they show many characteristics of me, I want them to keep this but also have what makes them who they are to blossom. And I see them doing this I do feel like I have done a lot of good as a parent as much as I have cause pain as well.

I do see my kids becoming more and more of their own person's. I see them growing and learning, making mistakes on the way but they have become strong, and I know they will succeed as they show this everyday. They count on me to be here, as I will be. I don't want them to feel abandoned like I did and still do. This kind of hurt can destroy a person and no way do I want them to experience this.

Okay, done my tangent. (spelling again; lol) Realizing and doing are different things. I have started the process with many set backs, but this is growing and learning. We as adults continue to grow as well. We never stop learning, and I have always believed that. So together, we will continue to grow and become stronger everyday.

Justy