T today. He was wearing glasses, when normally he just wears contacts. They were a bit hipster-looking, which seemed to fit with his general aesthetic. And a floral button-down short-sleeve shirt (not like Hawaiian floral, more subdued).

Sat down. He said he hadn't gotten any e-mails from me about grad school (PhD program I'd interviewed for 2 weeks ago), so he guessed that meant I hadn't heard anything? I said no, nothing. He seemed disappointed. Said how he felt really anxious to find out, and he wasn't even the one who'd applied. Discussed that a bit, like how I'd basically written it off, then they'd gotten up my hopes again by calling me in for interviews. I said how it was almost like, someone broke up with me, then a few months later said maybe they wanted me back. T said it's really weird I used that analogy because that was actually what one of his clients was talking about earlier today. I said that was odd....

He asked what I wanted to talk about. I said I guessed we should discuss some stuff from my e-mail to him, like about the being known thing maybe? I said how I'd appreciated his apology and being self-aware. And how I felt like my standards were kind of low because of ex-MC. How he probably would have gotten defensive and shifted the blame onto me. How maybe he'd have denied saying "honey." And how I appreciated that T didn't do any of that. How T probably thinks apologizing is just a normal human thing to do and is puzzled as to why I'm making a big deal about it. He seemed to understand.

I mentioned how ex-T had denied saying things before. T said he might say, "I don't remember saying X." I said that was different--with ex-T, she said she knew she didn't say x. How it felt invalidating, like she was denying my experience. T seemed to get it.

He went back to the "honey" thing (where he'd said, "I'm much older than you are, honey!") He said how sometimes in therapy, things are really heavy, and he has to be really careful about what he says and how he reacts. That he has to be very aware that he's the clinician talking to his client. He said he felt right then was one of those times. I said I didn't really think so (that it was heavy right then), but OK. He continued, saying how at other times, it's lighter. Like, for example, if we were discussing the hockey playoffs. Or how it was at one point last session. And in that case, it can often feel like it's just two people talking, rather than clinician-client. How that's something he needs to be more aware of.

I said that I understood and that liked how it was lighter at times. How I wouldn't want to be in there sobbing the whole time every session. T: "That would use up a lot of tissues! Especially with the fizzy waters spilled on the floor" (referencing something from last session). I laughed and said yes, would use lots of tissues, then glanced at floor and said was good water didn't leave a mark. That he should be glad I don't drink coffee during session.

I said I used to drink iced tea in sessions with ex-MC, then eventually realized it was making me more anxious. T joked about that, like, "I'm feeling anxious, let me have some caffeine and get more jittery!" Which led me to comment how I'd looked at my heart rate via Fitbit for my interviews a couple weeks ago, and it was pretty high the whole time. T said, "What, like 70?" Me: "No, like in the 'fat burn' level." T was surprised. I asked (I know, silly question!) if I was actually burning more calories by being anxious, and he said no, was just my heart beating faster.

I noted that out of curiosity, I'd looked at my heart rate for last session, and it was also elevated. T found that interesting. I then looked down to do something, and T was like, "Oh, I thought you were about to check your heart rate there." I said no, but I would--it was 100. T was like, "Oh, wow." He asked about my resting heart rate, I said it was generally mid-60s to low 70s. I said I figured his was really low (being an athlete). He said was about 52, to which I said "Wow, OK, that's really low."

I said I figured I should pick some actual topic to discuss, how I know beginning had been disjointed. He said was OK. I mentioned the "feeling known" thing. T said he'd considered that (in relation to age thing) because I had commented multiple times that I felt ex-MC really knew and understood me, how that was clearly very important to me. I said yes, and it made it much more painful when it felt he no longer got me. That it was the same with some friends and exes.

My mom came up, how I tended to feel like she didn't understand me. Talked about her, my grandfather came up (he died when I was like 8), how I didn't really know much about him and their relationship. How I'd wondered if he may have been an alcoholic (they built a big bar in their house and we used to toast with a particular bourbon in his memory at Christmas). I said how my main memory of him was visiting him at work and him complimenting my "green shoes" when actually they were red. T said how that showed he was playful. I said I guessed so. (I didn't say this at the time, but it occurs to me that I'm drawn to both partners and male authority figures who are playful...)

T said it could be helpful to find out more about her childhood, to ask her about it. I said how she was kind of the "responsible one" of her siblings, we discussed how maybe that affected her later on, including as a parent (especially since two of her siblings with almost 10 years younger, so she helped care for them).

Discussed how my mom clearly has anxiety issues. How she seems to want to present a certain face (literally--wearing makeup--and figuratively) to the world. How that may be due to her anxiety (which she'd never admit to). T said how everyone has certain core values, and he'd be interested to know what my mom's are. I asked if she would know, and he said probably not, that most people aren't self-aware enough to know. But they show up in how people interact with the world. He said could give me better understanding of my mom. And that mine seemed different from hers.

I said how in past sessions, he'd mentioned how understanding my mom more could help me. That it could help me have compassion toward her. I said that at first, I felt like that was just invalidating. Like, trying to explain away my mom's behavior instead of thinking of the impact it had on me. T seemed to get that. But I said as I thought about it more, I understood more. How if maybe I understand what was behind it, I wouldn't blame myself so much? He said yes, that in understanding her more, I can put things into context better. I said that made sense (I was kind of quiet and thoughtful during some of this). Like, if I understood she was really anxious on the inside, it would explain why she projected much of that onto me.

Was end of session. Scheduled, then I went over and paid. He shook my hand, saying "Have a good week" as I said "you, too." He said, "Hopefully I'll get a positive e-mail from you this week" (referring to the PhD program), then, "It's been an hour, maybe you got something?" I said, "No, actually I checked as we were scheduling." He slumped his shoulders down and gave a sad look. I said, "Maybe in the last 2 minutes?" He smiled and said "Take care," I said, "You too" and left.