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He did tell you he would be there for you, but you can certainly ask again! This isn't the Gong Show. And there is no right or wrong about being afraid. Go ahead and share your fears with your T.

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apparently.... it is the gong show. That was what this whole mess was about.. i asked him again. For the 2nd time in a year, i asked him if he would be there for me.. i said i was faced with believing and trusting him vs others in my life.

perna.. just what was "his self" supposed to say on the other end of the phone? i am genuine in asking.. if he can't or won't offer supportive statements... then exactly what is *there* ? i do not understand.... in your analogy it would seem more appropriate a comparison if he said for me not to call because i needed to, in your words, cry myself to sleep. But he didn't.. he said to call.. and that he'd be there.. so i do not know what he meant. i feel like crap, i call him and say what exactly? i apparently am not supposed to ask what i did... so... um... why would i call? Why not just feel miserable and do a bad job like i have always done? i simply do not know how to do things like this and he knows that... i certainly HOPE i learn.. i want to learn..

but with my husband returning soon... yes, you heard me... i am reverting into something i once was.. and had to be to survive. i am mired in strong fear and pain and anguish. i am barely functioning at all... i dont remember simple things and it has taken me forever to type this much because i can't hold onto a thought. i have retreated in my mind and it is what i have had to do to make it through.... teaching me self soothing is a great idea.. and would have been a few weeks ago.. or a few weeks from now... but now? No. Not a good idea. All that happened was that i lay down and thot about overdosing. Not because of T and his actions, but because of life and what i am facing... i had counted on T to help me secure some anchors. He chose not to.

i tried to make him understand today that there are moments now, with increasing frequency and severity, in which i move closer to becoming a suicide risk. i am often not *here* i am someplace else... i can see the points he made, and that you guys are making.. i can.. those are things i want.. right now though.. what i want is to still be alive this time next month.

today went better.. but we didn't talk a lot about the phone call... mostly because i avoided it. i am so very fragile right now and i honestly felt that if he were to push again i would be unable to cope. i did tell him not to push and he gave me his "therapists promise" that he wouldn't. As i was leaving i asked him if he knew how bad i was feeling.. i tried several times during session to get him to see that i was trying to tell him how trapped i feel and how suicidal i had once been..

i told him i needed support from him.. right now i just need support.. not growth, not lessons, not anything other than plain old vanilla support. Basically, if he can't do that i'd rather he just terminated now. This isn't resisting.. this is survival. This is what i have to do to keep myself safe, literally. Pushing me right now might result in pushing me over the edge.

yeah.. a step back. i am thinking hard on this.

mckell... i hate to tell you this.. but no, actually.. therapy is *not* meant to make you feel better. Nice eh? My T said that to me once and i remember thinking that this was some kind of rip off. But he's right, it isn't. Not on a session to session basis. Overall, yeah, one would hope so, but from appt to appt? Nope. Think more of physio than of other health services. Physio hurts really bad, and the more significant the original injury, the greater that hurt. Make sense?

i just don't know what to put faith in... just where is that railing? If i can call i need to know when i can or cant... what is it i need to do myself right now and what is good to call T for? i just dont know.

faith.. trust.. i am trying. i try harder than you can imagine.