EM

No what you say makes sense but one thing is my current T has given me a great deal, he went through a lot to get his boss to consent to it, and I am struggling money wise, even losing my home right now, so I am not in a position to see someone else at higher cost.

Plus there is no way I would discuss any of the grey area/friend like things with another T and "Rat him out" Nope, and that's really the only way to deal with it with someone else is to talk about WHY this is so strong for me but I wont do that to him, now or ever.

I am hopeless but that's life. It's what happens in these situations apparently.... and I just went through the worst loss of my life a few months ago, losing him, would probably put me on suicide watch or something, I just can't deal with another big loss but it seems I have no choice. I thought maybe there was a good option, but there isn't, just try to ignore my mind and create distance. It's all I can do