But what if therapy is the thing that's making you distressed and keeping you there? Not all the lovely closeness of a real friendship, not the help and growth of actual psychological treatment either. Just bringing up all your feelings and letting them fester and bother you for no productive purpose. My sense is that that's why you feel so stuck and hopeless.

I know going to see him makes you feel happy in the short-term, but it also seems like it's destroying your life in a broader sense. Also I know you aren't bothered by the boundaries wobbliness, but not wanting to "rat him out" to another T is a giant red flag to me. My T actually encouraged me to talk about her with the backup T I saw last week if I wanted to, and there isn't anything that has happened in my therapy that I feel I couldn't share with an outside person. The impulse to protect him is a sign that things are happening that are hurting you, even if you feel good about those same things too.