Hugs...I've felt that way too. I also had one glorious 6 month period where I felt stable and normal, so I know it's possible. I'm always looking to get back to that. Like you, I've been on meds a long time, started them when I was 19 and am 40 now and took them except for the 9 months I was pregnant with my daughter (though I do think maybe the OB was giving me Zoloft or Xanax or something near the end of my pregnancy).

I was mis-diagnosed with major depressive disorder for over 10 years, and I really feel that being on all those antidepressants did a number on me. Not to mention, I had to use a county health system due to being in grad school and having no insurance, and they had me on something like 12 meds at once at one point. Plus, I've got the anxiety/panic disorder and PTSD and fibromyalgia and am getting over ulcer surgery. I think if I ever feel "normal" again, it will be a miracle, but because it happened once, I know it's possible.

The occasional good day gets me through, but I have a lot of days when I feel like you, beaten down, depressed, etc. All I know is to just keep going on. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and if that's the case, I must be a strong person indeed.