So this is my first real post that I haven't had to wait to get approved. That's a bummer, and really hindered me getting a start here, but I understand the reason, sad that it must be done that way.

Anyway, I alluded to my story a bit in my intro, and I won't go into all of it here, but I am a basket case. 47 years old male, married 22 years, with a 10 year old daughter who is an only child. My wife is 5 years older than me, so you can see we had my beloved girl late in both our marriage, and our lives.

We had been in one area for our entire marriage, and I expected us to remain there, and desperately wanted to raise my daughter there her whole childhood. I moved around constantly as a kid, and did not want to ever move my daughter, but my wife forced it upon us about a year and half ago.

I had recently found some semblance of peace with a job I loved, seeing and socializing with people regularly, and breaking out of a lifelong depression for the most part. I had started going to church, and liked it. Keep in mind I started seeing therapists at 10 years old for a myriad of reasons, and I've been seeing them ever since, as well as having been on more meds than I can remember. I don't drink, or do recreational drugs, or smoke. I'm a pretty clean individual, though I do have my vices.

Anyway, we moved here to a much larger city than where we were, and where I wanted to stay. My life has been deteriorating ever since. I cannot find peace, my mood is getting worse, and I am afraid.

I have no friends, nobody to talk to other than my therapist, my wife resents that I feel this way, my daughter has started having mood issues and trouble in school that she never used to have at our old home, etc. etc.

I feel totally alone. I don't have a job. My wife has always made way more than me, and been the decision maker, even against my expressed wishes. I feel alienated from her completely, and we don't harly talk about anything because she doesn't want to talk. We don't have sex. We don't do things recreationally together. We don't share interests, and like I said, she resents my depression and feelings about the move here. Hell, I resent her for making us move here.

Things were never perfect at our old home, but they had certainly gotten much better, at least for me, in the two years prior to moving. Especially galling is the fact that early in our marriage, I was the one who wanted to move away from where we were, and she would never have any of it. She always said she loved where she was and was never going to move. That was a major issue, but I always gave in, just like I always give in now. She is NEVER the one to compromise.

So meanwhile, my depression has gotten so much worse since we've been here. I'm paranoid to drive, and always seem to get into issue on the road here, which just didn't happen at our old home. I have an explosive temper to the point where I will scream obscenities at and angrily flip off a total stranger because he wasn't paying attention and nearly drove into me (this happened this morning on my way home after dropping my daughter at school). I have told both my therapist and psychiatrist about this anger problem. I punch and hit inanimate objects. On the bright side, I have never been in a physical altercation with someone, nor ever hit my wife or child. I mean, I've never even been in fights as a kid. I am paranoid about getting into trouble, so I seem to have enough control over myself to keep from going too far. Still, the rage is out of control, and who knows what trouble it could cause if it was directed at the wrong person?

Then there's the crying. Nonstop crying. I am caught up in nostalgic thoughts and feelings, wishing I could go back into the past. I remember when my daughter was small, and taking her to the park, and her wanting to hold my hand crossing the parking lot, or playing with chalk on the driveway. I remember teaching her how to ride a bike, watching kids TV shows together. I have been a stay at home dad with her for the last 8 years. She is my life. I feel like her growing up is slowly draining the life from me. I see small kids with their daddies at church or around town, and tears literally fill my eyes. I look at her old toys and pictures here at home, and I fall apart. I am crying typing this.

I have totally lost interest in anything I used to like to do. I was a big sports fan, and also did computer games and fantasy sports. I hate all of it now. It all seems so superficial and meaningless. I literally do nothing.

I guess this is long enough. I am tortured. I am afraid of death, and see it coming at me faster and faster as I get older. I am not healthy, really, being fat, diabetic, and with physical pain all over my body that limits my exercise, though I do attempt to exercise, causing me more physical pain. It's a catch 22 in that regard.

I just feel like life is over, and I'm just killing the time I have left until it ends. I feel like the best is over and finished, that no matter what happens in the future, it will never be as god as the past, and in fact will probably be horrible, whether I get some disease like cancer, or diabetes inflicts kidney failure on me, or my physical pain becomes intolerable.

Despite the fact that I did produce an amazing daughter that I love more than life itself, more than anything, I have failed at every other aspect of life. I am a total failure. I blew my life. There is no changing it, no going back, and no getting better.

I am in total despair.