Yesterday I met with the new T. I felt pretty comfortable with her straight off, I think partly because she came with a friend's recommendation, and also because she seemed more like what I imagined a therapist would be like, compared to my old T. Her office was more cozy, had eclectic artwork, had a slight bit of messiness, and she was more open and reassuring and kind. I said it had been hard to call her and explained about feeling ashamed, and she made a sympathetic face and that was kind of all I needed. I think that in spite of all my worries, when you're with someone in person who seems caring, it goes better than you expected.

She handles more serious issues than prev T (he was more kids / families mostly, in spite of how much he did help me with my issues, which were more like trauma). She handles trauma, eating disorders, dissociative disorders... kind of heavier stuff than prev T.

She pointed out that I really don't know what happened with prev T, but I "filled in the blank". Yes, I filled it in with an all too common experience from my childhood, being hated and excluded for no reason I could understand. She said it was a kind of relational trauma, but that she believes I can get through this and get back all the progress I had made with prev T.

I also talked about how it felt like there was an old ex T and a new, cold ex T that I had never met before. She suggested that sometimes people seem very cold when they are trying to keep themselves under control. I will never know if that was the case, but it's a better way to think of what happened.

I am actually seeing her again tomorrow. She asked me if I wanted another appointment this week, and I had planned to go just once a week but I started to cry out of relief at the thought of seeing her sooner, so I went by that.

I was really open with this T, it didn't take me any time to open up at all. I think it's much easier when you've been in therapy before, and I got good feelings from her, but I also just needed to get it all out. Really glad to be going back so soon. I am so glad I took the risk. It seems totally crazy to me now to be trying to do this on my own.