I can't really comment on how to fix things but I do understand how you feel.

I put on this facade whenever I leave the house so no one knows anything is wrong. I honestly don't even think about faking it anymore, I just do it automatically. I've become so good at faking things that people don't believe me when I tell them that my life isn't as cheery as they think it is. They're so used to me being clumsy (falling and laughing at myself as I get up) that they assume whenever I say I have health issues that it's related to my clumsiness and it becomes a joke.

Completely unaware I'm doing it, I do this no matter where I'm going, even if it's just to throw out the trash. I remind myself to keep my head up and smile at people, even though I don't know why I'm doing it.

However, putting on this charade takes its toll on me. I'm so tired of this act that by the end of the day I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to be alone. I don't have the energy to deal with making dinner let alone dealing with people.


You're definitely and completely *not* crazy. In my eyes, you deserve a lot of credit for trying to fight the feeling so you can enjoy your family and so you don't hurt their feelings. I wish I was as strong as you are in that respect. And I'm convinced that if you're strong enough for that, you'll be able to hang on long enough to find a fix for this. I'm usually a pretty negative person but your desire to help yourself because it can help your family actually makes me believe you'll find a way to succeed, for them if not for you.