I've moved on from feeling guilty about letting my parents down. I used to feel guilty about it considering the education they provided and the direction they offered, but the bar was set pretty high for me and there were a lot of expectations in my house when I was growing up. There wasn't any pressure, per se, because I was a good student. But every time I offered an opinion about what I wanted to do or wanted to be, I usually got shamed into the vision my parents had for me. Banking, physician, leadership. I *distinctly* remember the time I was at a cookout just after college graduation and my uncle casually asked what I wanted to do. I mentioned I was thinking about taking the state trooper exam. To which my father bellowed "STATE TROOPER, I didn't pay for you to go to college to become a cop"! Oddly enough, I would have made more money as a trooper and I'd be retired today with a great pension. I was hurt by his lack of support, but he didn't mean anything by it. My parents being children of the 30s and 40s grew up in an environment where you worked hard for one company, even the local bank, and you eventually became CEO with the right education, connections, and some luck. In the 80s and 90s, the world changed and my parents weren't able to recognize it or even understand it. The internet? Biotech? I was supposed to take over the world.......and I didn't.

The difference now? I'm just me, no more no less. I say all this because a "let down" is a two way street. I've imploded here and there but not enough to sink myself. Thus, I don't feel badly that I didn't meet *their* ideal of what I should have been. Sometimes, we subconsciously connect with their demands or our guilt and we believe the story. "Mom is right, I should have been more". Sure, I can blame some of it on BP - quitting jobs and always searching for the perfect buzz - but at the same time, I landed comfortably and I'm OK with that. God put me on a path and I am walking it.