I started by telling him about a dream I had about emailing him asking to blur boundaries. We discussed that a bit. I said on some level I probably do get frustrated with the boundaries but not in any real way because I need them.
I told him how hard missing him so damn much is for me. I told him it was particularly difficult on Monday night cos I had a bad day. He seemed quiet when I was talking about it.
I went quiet and he asked what was happening. I said I wondered what the point was of telling him all this. I said I wanted to tell him about the happy stuff that happened yesterday but it was work related and after last time I didn't want to talk to him about work stuff. He looked like he was almost smiling. I said he looked like he wants to smile. He said he felt like that had been a bit of a wind up. He asked if I wanted him to persuade me to tell him. I said I think it's more deliberately withholding it to kind of punish him for not engaging properly before.
I said that I hadn't felt very connected to him for the last few sessions. That I felt like he wasn't engaging with what I was saying and he was being quiet. He said he is deliberately quiet when we're talking about the relationship to allow the space for me (or something). I continued talking about the desire to tell him about the work stuff and the fear given his ambivalence a couple of sessions ago. He said that while it's obviously important, going over everything with a fine tooth comb sometimes feels like being in treacle. He said sometimes talking about the relationship feels profound and helpful, but this feels like having our feet in treacle.
I suddenly felt very angry and sad. I told him so. I was fighting tears and felt my lip tremor as i talked.
He asked me what I wanted to say with my anger. I said "I pay you £40 a f***ing hour to sit in whatever treacle I want. Why do you get to decide when it's helpful and when it's treacle?". I said i felt like he was lying when he said he was quiet to allow me space - he's just impatient. He said it felt like treacle way to him, it doesn't mean it's truth, and that yes, he had been feeling impatient. He said he felt disconcered because he hurt me and he hadn't meant to.
We sat in silence for a while and he said "I'm thinking about something you said to me a long time ago. You were worried about developing transference towards me and you asked me if I knew what to do if you did. At the time I said yes. And I think that's what's happening here. I feel like I'm letting you down. I'm not delivering." I asked what he's not delivering. He said "I'm not helping you through the transference". That helped me to understand where the frustration was coming from and I no longer felt judged. He said "I think a layer to my silence is that I don't know if what I am saying will hurt you. I don't want to hurt you.". I said that his presence and engagement in my therapy is what I value the most. We both take risks and that's why it works. He said it's a paradox. I said yes. I reiterated that we both have courage and he has modelled courage and I value that. We looked in each other's eyes for a couple of minutes. He asked if I was feeling okay. I said yes, and I was feeling the positive part of loving him.
We stood up and hugged. Then I left.