I am ashamed to say that my statement of "I'm done" was more emotion than truth. I got sucked in by the lie, the comfort of counseling, the charm of improved conditions between us.

Now, here we are, 6 months later. The cycle of abuse continues. A month ago, he told me I came home smelling like sex and demanded to know who it was; interrogated me, refused to believe me when I said it was just body odor from my incoming period, etc. I blew up on him and told him that he will never do that to me again, or I will leave. 2 weeks ago, he told me to go get an STD test because I'm "so secretive" that he doesn't know "who I spend time with or where I go anymore." One week ago, he told me it was my fault that he molested me for 3 years. Said that my actions had consequences, and me reading a few sexual stories online and masturbating instead of wanting to be intimate with him put pressure on him and made him feel inadequate, and caused him to feel like he should do those things to me....because I "obviously wanted them and liked them more than I ever wanted to have sex with him."

I was utterly horrified. I went into physical shock, fled from the room after screaming "STOP!" at him (because he wouldn't stop talking about it, despite me telling him to several times), and I was shaking for nearly 30 minutes before the tears finally started.

Now. Now I am done.

I meet with an attorney on Monday to file divorce papers. I have my important documents, I have the abuse documented, I have a large support group ready wih money or safe havens or emotional support, I finally, finally, have the resolve to stop this cycle.

Three days ago, he told me everything I ever wanted to hear. Said he realized he is controlling, obsessive, jealous, prideful, and is hurting everyone around him. Said he understands that he became my rapist, that he has already lost me, my heart, my love, and my respect. That he wasn't worthy of them in the first place. He asked.....no, he essentially told me that I should stay for the sake of our daughter, that it would rip her apart to have us divorce, and would affect her life for years to come. Said he won't touch me or control me anymore, we could have separate bedrooms, and we should stay together so our daughter can have both parents together in her life. Said twice that he would refuse to sign divorce papers.

It's too little, too late. I've already talked to the attorney by phone; he says I would win no contest, full custody, no alimony. Said my husband doesn't have a leg to stand on and no judge would consider him fit for custody.

It will be a long and ugly battle.

It's time.