I lost my brother almost 2 years ago. He was crossing the street and got hit by a driver that was speeding and not paying attention to the road. My brother was DOA.

I’ve been in therapy for the last 4 months trying to process my grief, because well, I wasn’t in a place to process it at the time. I was the person that took care of all burial arrangements, talked to PD and attorney. I made sure my family was taken care of too. I also felt immense amount of guilt that I didn’t want to feel and checked out emotionally. So, I’m processing it now, sort of.

I’ve been disconnected emotionally and it’s been difficult to maneuver--deciphering my emotions and continuing relationships with others because of a wall.

Anyway, getting to the point, I’ve been instructed to write an apology letter to my brother. This assignment was given to me maybe a month ago. I barely started on it with the push from my partner. The reason it took me so long is because I got stuck on the word “apology”. I feel wrong apologizing to someone that’s no longer here because they can’t accept the apology if they wanted, and it almost seems selfish to do that for myself. I take issue with it. And the letter (of what I have so far) isn’t apologetic, it just sounds frustrated and me making excuses for myself.

However, my most recent therapy session, my therapist told me to put that letter on hold and to write myself a letter. She said something about forgiveness. To forgive myself. I’m drawing a blank because I don’t understand what that means. I understand that it’s what you’re supposed to do, like say, “It’s okay” when someone is late to a meeting or for coffee. You’re supposed to let that go because it’s not supposed to be a big deal. But in cases like when a friend lied to me about having cancer and milked everyone’s sympathy, I ended up cutting her out of my life. I couldn’t forgive that because that was beyond emotionally taxing. Or when someone cheats, I walked out. So this letter of forgiving myself, I don’t understand it. I can tell myself that I forgive myself of what I did at the age of 11, but what doesn’t that mean?

Some may say “it’s letting go”. But I don’t quite understand that phrase either.

I’ve been googling “forgiveness”, “apology”, and “amends”. The description all feels so similar and so vague.

How does one apologize to someone that’s gone and how does one forgive oneself?