When I was 10 years old, my brother started to repeatedly sexually abuse me.. He was 19 years old and we were just home alone one night and he just grabbed me and pulled my clothes off... It want on till I was 16 years old. It finally stopped because my mom came home early one of the nights and walked in on us...

There was a very big mess after that.. My parents fighting between each other about whether to call the cops or just put him into therapy.. He would cry and beg them to forgive him and that he wouldn't do it anymore... So my dad decided to put him into therapy.. They didn't even ask me anything about the whole things or if I wanted to go into therapy.. Eventually I had to ask on my own, but my dad said I wasn't the one that was sick, so I just dropped it...

My brother was always my dad's favorite... top of his class and involved in School football and all that stupid ********... So I can't say it surprised me when my dad took the rout that wouldn't ruin my brother's "future".. but that doesn't mean it didn't still hurt...

Lately, my parents have been getting upset with me because I don't go over for "family dinners" or any visits really... I just don't feel like I can be around him anymore... is that wrong of me?

I'm 24 years old now and I know I should probably be past all of this... but it still hurts me deeply... I haven't had any relationships in my life... whenever a guy seems interested I just feel like avoiding them to make them lose interest... I haven't have any other sexual experiences...the thought of it just disgusts me... I can't help but think of him..

The worst part about all of this, is that for the past month or so, I have been dreaming about him more and more... The dreams used to terrify me, but now I am getting aroused by it... what the hell is wrong with me?!? I don't want to do that at all, but i can't stop dreaming about it... Is this normal? is it something I'm stuck with?

I'm sorry for rambling... It's like my mind fogged up once I started typing... I'm sorry if it's just craziness... but that's just how I feel right now.. crazy...

I don't know what I'm looking for in posting this... I just felt like I couldn't hold it in anymore... but I couldn't tell anyone around me... Sorry..