thanks to all who replied with your kindness and comfort. You made me feel so good.

Mouse, you are so right. Already it is happening. I really was ready to leave this person, or let go some, who has been like a mother and T all rolled into one. But I was ready to begin letting go. I have a T now IRL (this person was online) and I think that's why I felt ready to beging letting go; bu I wanted it to be a process, not an amputation.

The first 2 days I couldn't go to work, was calling T sometimes just sobbing and barely able to speak except for things like "I don't want this to be happening.!! Help me!", "I can't do this! It's too sudden! I don't know what to do!". Other times I was coherent and could at least talk normally. She said the child who had no words for what she was experiencing called as well as the adult.

She added a session at the end of her day for me on Monday, in place of a scheduled session on Tuesday that I just couldn't wait for. I also saw her last night.

I felt a gut-love for this person I've lost and a gut-missing.

I was very obsessed with this person. I thought about her all the time. A way of having her with me all the time I guess. The first few days were the not wanting to accept what was real, what was happneing. Then ... I was stunned (and felt very disloyal!!) to beging having thoughts of relief. I had held her so close in my mind for so long (several years) that I felt like I was living 2 realities. Now that I have let her go, it is just one reality and so some relief. But it is one reality, the real reality, that I have neglected for so long and now have to figure out how to get back into.

I could not have survived this without T to keep me from falling apart into a million fragments. I began having fears of her leaving (again.. only happens about once a week. hehe) and she reassured me that she is committed to working with me (barring unforseen events) and for as long as it takes, completely open-ended. We are just finishing a year together and I love being with her.

I also just happened to have recently picked up the book "Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst because Pinksoil and Mouse recommended it. I was so lucky to have that book right here. In a calm (Xanax'd) moment I picked it up and began reading about mourning. Then turned to the beginning and begand reading more...about how our losses beging with our Original Loss.. the loss of our mother.

I'm going to be ok. Maybe even better?!

Thank you for all your kind words and thoughts. I felt so comforted.