I don't have many others to turn to either, most people I talk to are online... OR I never talk to the in person people about deep/emotional things. so I get that

I'm also very independent and hate depending on anyone for anything, it's been a struggle in therapy, because I used to apologize constantly for 'bothering him' with even just 1 small email out of session. I've gotten better with it but I still wont contact/reach out much at all. I refuse to seem like I'm too much or too dependent

However, I am very attached and the longing for him is so draining. It's very intense but I usually just try to ignore it. It's very complex relationship for sure. Something I'd never have got into had I researched more beforehand