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Originally Posted by cfrPsych
Greetings.
After almost 20 years, my wife just told me she wants to call it quits. Not at all happy about it. She's beautiful, smart, funny, a good mom to our kids, etc. I have no desire to ever be away from her, but that's where she's at.
So here's the deal: I'm a passive aggressive. I've read about what makes up a PS person and there's simply no denying it, the description fits me perfectly.
However, in my defense, I find this the easier path sometimes. In my opinion, I can't really have an opinion, w/o my wife screaming and cussing. In many cases it just doesn't seem worth it to me to speak my mind -- I simply want to keep the peace.
Now I know that even this in itself is typical P/A behavior. To simply keep an opinion to oneself then punish the partner. But I'm not sure what else I can possibly do if I want to keep my wife from losing her crap.
If this is to continue, what do we do different? I didn't want to give her my opinion tonight b/c I knew it would cause issues and she pressed for it. As predicted, she lost it, now we're here.
We love each other a lot, but are tired of these issues.
What to do? I'm willing to shoulder all responsibility and change my part in this, but am lost.
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first of all, drop this idea:
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What to do? I'm willing to shoulder all responsibility and change my part in this, but am lost.
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Shouldering all responsibility for the flaws and problems in a relationship is never the right thing to do.
I know exactly what you mean and how you feel to be honest. My ex (still my wife but only because we can't divorce yet) for 15+ years is just like what you describe. Losing her crap is a good descriptor that fits my situation too. I am not as confrontational as some other people and mostly easy going, passive or just go along with things anyway and without going into detail as this thread is not about me, basically it's the same thing as you describe. And I've done the same thing, avoiding voicing my opinion much of the time and just staying quiet.
The problem with our approach is that that pent up energy that comes from wanting to be heard has to come out at some point and usually does and almost every time, it's at the wrong time and taken badly. with someone that Is already typically oppositional and very outspoken/aggressive it usually is quite ugly.
In your case, if it's true you still love each other and are just tired of the conflict, I suggest marriage counseling. but only if you both want to remedy the situation instead of calling it quits. if she's at the point of saying she wants out, there is no time to waste. At that point you usually have to fix things or just accept that it's going to end.
See if she's willing and go that route. get help .. both of you. It's not that either of you is responsible 100% it's that you both never learned how to interact in a more healthy manner considering your differences in approaches to life.
hope this helps.