This is only partially therapy related, but at the same time I have no idea where else to post it, sooo... I just decided to post it here.

I'm not quite sure what the point of this post is either... I'm not doing too well currently. I have been suicidal for the better of two weeks, and still wasn't feeling too stable when I went into therapy today. But I decided to talk about other things, since we had talked about this a week ago for the whole session, and had two phone calls in between where I also stated still struggling with these thoughts. At some point during the session, T asked me to look at him. I struggle with this a lot, although I am not sure why.

I looked at him, and remember I immediately got sad, it was very painful. I let him know. However, it was quite late into the session (which it always is if he asks me to look at him), and after talking about it for a few minutes, I had to leave (I didn't resist at all, but if he hadn't told me to tell him good bye, I wouldn't have).

On top of that, I had a flashback during the session (which has never happened before, I didn't know how to react, and didn't let him know).

Now, I'm feeling even more dysregulated than before. I don't think I'm quite at the point of wanting to commit suicide yet, but I also don't feel like I can go on for a whole week not sharing anything with anyone. I know I should be able to cope on my own somehow, but there are too many things going on in my life right now as that I manage to have enough energy to try and do the things that I know help. I went through all the people I know, but none of them seem like a wise choice to contact. T told me I could always contact him, but as he stated this session, he only wants to have phone calls with me outside of my regular session time, since I'll otherwise get too dependent. And knowing that when contacting him will only trigger me more, so I don't think that's a wise choice either. I don't feel like I need to go to the ER either, I am not unstable enough to consider that. I guess I just wonder what other people would do in a similar situation...