That is the weird thing about me. No matter how badly I am doing, I trudge forward. It is like inside I am standing still but I am moving and doing things in my life yet I often feel disconnected from those actions. Like I am on autopilot. If that makes sense. Like a punch-drunk boxer that refuses to fall but doesn't know why. There has always been this stubborn streak in me like that. It used to be helpful now it seems a hindrance.

The stress of the home buying process is lessening but now it is the todo list that has taken over and I am doing just as bad. Just like when the health scares were mostly resolved, I jumped straight into the house buying torture. It is like I have to be doing something to create internal chaos when what I want is to live out how many years I have left with no drama and peace.

One of my sisters claims that having my own place will help me get there. She says I can get to the point where all I do is tend my house/yard, work on programming projects, fish, play my guitar and do some art-ish things and everything else will be setup and I don't even have to think about it. We will see.

I hope all goes well with your appointment. It is a horrible thing to go through. My tests eventually came back okay, more or less, but that didn't seem to lessen the impact for me. I can't imagine how worse it would have been if I did have that brain tumor. It is funny. I worry about you, even when I was stressed out of my mind during all this I would stop once a day to try and keep up with your posts. You worry about me, that amazes me. I just can relate to you so well. The reason both of us found this site are not good things but I am happy we connected.