I have this obsessive need to be able to look at my therapist in session and I have no idea where this strong need comes from.

Some sessions I cannot look at her at all and I come out of session extremely distressed and with suicidal thoughts.
Some sessions I can glance up a few times very briefly and that is when I deem a session to have gone better, although it still frustrates me that those few times weren’t enough.

I bring it up all the time in emails and she knows how it affects me, but she never brings it up and I can’t bring it up in session because I just don’t know where it’s all coming from.

It’s not eye contact necessarily.. I like it when she’s not looking at me and I glance up for a second and look at her, but then I can’t look for very long because it’s almost like she can’t catch me looking. It feels shameful or like I’m not allowed.

I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts which might spark some thoughts for me. I think my fixation on this is hindering my progress.