T Friday. Sat down, I said how I still hadn't heard from PhD program, talked about that a minute. He asked if I'd brought notes on what I wanted to talk about--I said I'd actually printed something from "Dear T" that I'd added on to. That I was originally going to hand it to him to read, but it was pretty long, so I'd just read parts of it. He said to share as much of it as I wanted.

I put on my reading glasses, which I don’t think I’d done before. T: “Nice glasses” (brief discussion about reading glasses). I started with how I felt I'd probably been annoying him by e-mailing him after last session to reschedule from Tuesday to Monday, then when he changed it and responded with "Have a good week!" I e-mailed to confirm we were still on for Friday. He said that was such a minor exchange he'd forgotten it had happened. He's not bothered by stuff like that at all. It takes 30 seconds. That he'd rather I confirm that I still had the appointment than just not show up. I said my fear was that I'd show up and he'd be all "What are you doing here?" He seemed to understand that.

I said how last session, when we initially opted to schedule for Tuesday rather than Monday, he'd made a comment of "That will get you back on the 3 days in between schedule" (as in Friday to Tuesday). And that sort of made me feel like he didn't want to see me earlier. He said no, wasn't about that. I said how if I come twice a week, it's basically going to be 3 days between one and 2 days between the other (or 4 and 3, depending on how you look at it). I said going Friday then Monday is the same time in between as Monday to Thursday. T: "No it isn't." Me: "Yes it is!" T, counting to himself: "Oh I guess you're right! Apparently I need to repeat elementary school math."

I went back to my printout. Said I'd felt pretty depressed past few days. And also feel scared about relationship with Him. How he's seemed very caring lately, and when he makes mistakes, he apologizes and fixes them, which are good things. But that I'm scared he'll ultimately hurt me. How I'd talked to a friend recently about the ex-MC stuff, and she said it was like a trauma, really. How that had rung true for me. So I thought maybe I needed to process that more with him. He mostly just listened through all of that.

Then I said I thought I needed to discuss some transference stuff, too. How I had started to broach topic last week, then when he asked me to explain what I was saying, I said "Never mind, I don't think I can explain it." But it was actually fear of talking about it. I said (in session), "I ran away from it like a jackrabbit. Wait, rabbits don't run, they hop, why did I say that?" I said part of why I was confirming we still had today's session is that I wanted to talk about the topic more, knowing I could then come in again Monday (so not a long break).

I said I was scared to talk about things because ex-MC had always said--that it was even on his website bio--that all feelings are OK, that we can't control our feelings. That it's our behaviors we can control. I said but then it seemed he rejected me for my feelings of love. And so I'm worried about sharing things.

I then said how I think part of what was so hard about the ending with ex-MC is that, I'd thought, on some level, that maybe he loved me, too. Not romantically, just that he really cared about me--but more than caring. T: "I think I get what you're trying to say." But then ex-MC’s reaction at the end made me feel like maybe I'd been wrong about that. How he probably cares, but... I said how ex-T had basically said she loved me once. How I'd said I loved her, and how I know the therapeutic relationship is weird and she probably couldn't reciprocate. She agreed about it being unique, adding, "Not that I don't love you, too." And she'd mentioned about loving another client as well.

I said I felt like I'd gone on a tangent there, and T said, "Yes, it's like we've gone down a road we weren't expecting." I compared it to the weird routes that Google Maps sometimes sends me on.

In trying to shift back to transference with current T topic, I mentioned again about being scared to share certain thoughts/feelings with him. He said that he wouldn't respond to all feelings well, how some things shouldn't be shared. Like if I client were to threaten him or belittle him, that wouldn't be OK. Which...those weren't the sorts of feelings I was talking about at all! But I was starting to get the "maybe don't share what you want to share" vibe (Note: It wasn't "I love you," and I was afraid T thought that's what I was getting at, so I sent him e-mail after session to clarify that wasn't what I was thinking or wanting to talk about. He said it hadn't even crossed his mind...)

Then he said how once you say something, you can't go back and un-say it. He gave example of a man telling his wife that he was attracted to her sister (again, nothing at all like what I wanted to discuss!) So that also gave me a "Maybe you shouldn't talk about your feelings" vibe. (Which I also mentioned in the e-mail--his response: "Nor did I intend to imply that sharing - or talking about our relationship - is a problem." Which...he needs to become more aware about what he's implying!)

I still opted to share something. Said how I'd been feeling really sad on Wednesday and laid down, just kind of trying to shut out the world. And then I took the stone he gave me and held it for a bit, and it made me feel better. I said, "I hope that's not too weird to you." T: "Only a little bit weird. Maybe like 10% weird, 90% not weird. Does that make sense?" Me: ....

We were basically out of time (he clearly hadn’t realized, even though I kept saying “I know we have to stop soon, but...”), but we talked about the transitional object for another few minutes. He said how it seemed like a talisman in a way. How people who are securely attached can feel caring within them. But someone less securely attached might need something external to remind them.

He said if someone had gotten certain positive messages in childhood, then It’s like an onion. If someone said something hurtful, it might just go through outer layers but not get to center. But if someone didn’t get those messages, then they wouldn’t have those protective layers.

It had been an hour so I already had my phone out to schedule. T looked at clock and said he hadn’t realized we’d gone over, adding “I blame you, because you brought up a particularly juicy topic.” (He was clearly joking about the blaming me part.) I said to apologize to his next client on my behalf (incidentally no one was in waiting room when I left, so maybe it was his lunch break?)

Scheduled for Thursday (confirmed Monday too) went over and paid, shook hands, as he said “Have a good weekend!” I said “you too” and left. Ended up have no some email exchanges later.