Hello, everyone.
I need advice on this thing that has been torturing me for almost 2 years. Please, bear with me while I explain you this part of my story. I'm not sure if it's actually necessary, but there might be some facts that may require the trigger warning.
I'll try to be quick, but unfortunately there's a lot to say.
You may want to skip the enormous following paragraph if you don't care about the general plot. However, I think that reading it would give you a clearer idea and the answer to my question.
So, there was this guy, a friend. He lived in a different city. One day, he and another friend of mine got together. I was quite interested in him since before he had a girlfriend, but I hate creating drama, so I hid it well.
We were very close... And then I've started seeing signs of something more.
Until he got me with my back against a wall (literally), asking me to have sex with him.
I was scared, and I didn't want to ruin his relationship with my friend. I said no. He started telling me things like "she will never know", "it's just one time", etc. He made me feel like I was the bad guy, for neglecting his needs. Even if I didn't want to, I said yes, but not to the full act. Long story short, one time became many times.
After a month, he ended up breaking up with his girlfriend, but not because of me (he ****ed up on his own). There had been one exact week, when he completely dedicated himself to me. He treated me like a princess, like I was the only woman he'd ever want to be together with. Then he disappeared for a while; I'd then found out that he had gotten himself a new girlfriend. I was devasted and furious, but with his lies he convinced me that he had good reasons to not talk to me, because I was stressed, he wanted to give me space, etc. I stupidly believed him.
Time passes, with the usual routine. However, drama happens, the lovebirds break up, only that this time (even though I hadn't done anything at all) he blames me for it. He doubted me when I would've never even thought about it had it been him in my situation. He told me horrible things. Very, very horrible things. He wrecked me so much that I wanted to kill myself. To cut myself.
I used to spend entire days at his house, neglecting my own life. I had become addicted to him; losing him meant losing everything. He ended up 'forgiving' me, because he got back together with that girl, and I was willing to do anything for him, to show him that he could trust me... And I did.
Time passes again, he ****s up again, really bad. His relationship ended for real, and he completely disappeared from my social life. Thanks to that another dose of drama, my view of him changed and I started to recover and heal what was left of my heart (and I'd say, sanity).
I made the mistake of reaching out to him again, just to know where the hell he had been. He took the opportunity, and started justifying every action of his, telling me that there was only me in his eyes, that he didn't know what he wanted, that he was forced into the relationship with that second girl (loads of ********). While he told me these things I was like "oh hell no, why me". I'm not good at crushing down hopes of people that I don't hate, so I gave him a dubious answer. However, he lured me into becoming his girlfriend, even though it was the last thing I ever wanted or needed. After 5 months of being emotionally drained, he said something so ****ed up that it caused me a panic attack. I decided, with the help of a friend, to avoid any contact, to completely vanish, as if I had ceased to exist.
During our time together, this guy did many things. There were times when he was the sweetest, and times when I didn't matter at all. Every time I spoke about what I was feeling at that moment, he'd always find a way to talk about what HE was feeling, what HE was doing, sometimes completely ignoring my statements. He wanted me to comfort him when I needed comfort. He sometimes tried to control the way I dressed, saying that since it was cold I had to send him a picture of me going out, with a hat, gloves and a scarf (which I find extremely upsetting; never agreed to that). He sometimes told me to kill myself, and other times he told me that he wanted to marry me, even though I was only 16 at the time. He never raised a hand on me; he didn't need to. He used manipulation. Lastly, the thing he said to me that made me definitively disappear from this whole mess, was a perverted fantasy he had: he imagined us, kissing, naked, in a bloodbath.
I... There are no words to describe this.
I'm sorry if what I've written is confusing. I have a hard time recalling those memories, since my brain has deleted most of them to cope with all of them. Also, English is not my native language, so please have mercy.
I'd like to know what you think. Thank you, if are still here to read this.