I'm planning on sending this to my T tonight:

T,
I know I've written too much. But I've been keeping this in and more for 3 weeks! I'm hurting. I wrote because I'm not sure I'll be able to clearly get everything out in person.

I'm very scared to see you tomorrow. I've had so much anxiety the past 3 weeks. I'm even having horrible dreams about you leaving me. I don't want to be, but I am mad, frustrated, disappointed. Mostly it's because you left me to sit with my feelings for 3 weeks! The disappointed part is that you didn't reach out, but that might be too high of an expectation for you even when you don't have something going on. I don't think we are going to resolve this tomorrow. I think we're going to have a difference of opinion. See, you said "From my perspective it helps having you have attachments with other people. There is less pressure on me." Less pressure. In order for there to be less pressure, there had to be pressure in the first place. You also said "And I've explained before some of my discomfort with being a sole support person." That hurts. So I make you uncomfortable.

Just to clarify: if you're okay with it, I'm okay being open to other attachments. I just worry that I'll be "cheating" on you. I feel the same way when I talk to you about ex-T. Anyways, even if you're okay with me being attached to others, I don't know if it's right to have attachments to other non-mental health professionals. And if it is, what do I do with my feelings? Pdoc told me to ignore them.

I try very hard to depend on you as little as possible. And you know you're not my only support. I have H, and somewhat support from my family, the forums, and my other doctors. Yes, it's not the same as when ex-Pdoc was around, but it's not my fault she left and it's not my fault I don't have a strong attachment to Pdoc. I tried groups. I liked one, but after she had her baby, I never saw her advertise for the group again. And it's too far now anyways. I tried other groups, but they just didn't work out. I try to limit my emails. I don't have many crises anymore. I haven't cut in 3 years. My suicidal thoughts have been greatly reduced. I've done pretty good distancing out the sessions.

And by the way, from what I quoted from you earlier, then you said "I didn't suggest that you need more supports, I don't think that." If I'm putting pressure on you, and you feel discomfort by being my "sole" support person, then why wouldn't you want me having more support.

It wasn't fair to make me sit with these feelings for so long. I did it, yes. You asked me to. And the fact I did it shows that I do try real hard not to put pressure on you. But it still wasn't fair. Weekly clients would get to deal with their problems in a week. Twice a month would get to every 2 weeks. I had to sit for 3! And in most relationships (from what I know), people try to resolve the issues as soon as possible, unless they choose to hold onto their anger.

Is it my fault that I'm so attached to you? Is there anything I'm doing wrong? I try to stay within your boundaries. I try to respect you. I really do care. I wouldn't have given you some space if I didn't, though I probably should have given you more. But it's hard. You're my therapist. I talk to you about my problems. My problem was with you. I'm supposed to talk to you. But you needed space. That's fair. But by doing that, my anxiety grows. and you said "I just can't respond to explain things until we're in person". That's not fair! You were punishing for "misunderstanding" you.

See I still feel like this is a rupture. I really feel like this could end things for us. I have never ever wanted to be a burden to you. I really do care, but I don't know if things can be fixed. To be honest, it sounds broken. Almost like you've been carrying around a lot of resentment. I don't think I can change to be less dependent on you. Not right now. So if I'm too much for you, tell me. The only thing I can do is leave you. Like I said before, I don't want to. But I will if that's what you need/want.

Scarlett