i am not crazy, im only a painter without a canvas!

i went to knotts today. (if you dont live in cali, then i'll tell you, its an amusement park) i had so much fun on the rides. it wasnt even scary! it was an outlet for all my energy in this hypomanic state.
i spent more money than i should have in the arcade but i was so focused on the game that i had to keep putting the quarters in. it was great to be able to stand still and still have an outlet for all of it.
and i didnt waste time walking to each ride so i ran. i stayed there for 10 hours, running around, riding fast rollercoasters, and it was great.
so i realized how much this was helping, all the things i was doing. most of the time when i would get manic, i would have to hide it, and i had to bottle it up, it still showed but it was repressed,and it was torture!
having a way to release it makes me feel so much better. like an OCD person who has to perform certain routine acts to feel better...i feel so good right now. i havent felt this good in a very long time.
too bad i cant do that all the time when im in this type of state. i know that i have to abide by the social standards, and i have to keep up the fassad.... it is torture to keep up the image!
i took serax today(a bezodiazepine similar to valium in case you didnt know). it didnt calm me down completely. i guess im beyond the point of the pill being able to work, like too manicky for it to effect me. it took the aggression away though. i was so pissed before i took it. some chick was rude and i wanted so bad to kick her ***! and i was super impatient. i took the serax and after it kicked in, chicks didnt bug me anymore. i realize now that it is not their actions that piss me off, it is my perception.
i know i should be tired but im not./ i feel like i could stay up all nite and write.