T today. Sat down. I said I was nervous. Said was sorry about all the e-mails, that I guess I'd slipped into a maladaptive pattern in looking for reassurance from him (like I used to with ex-MC). He said it wasn't a problem, that he basically read all the e-mails at once and took maybe 5 minutes total. I said how I was annoyed with myself for sending the drunk one Friday night (about the stone), because I'd typed something up right after session and managed not to send it. He said I did sit with it for 24 hours, so that was good. I said more like 12, but yeah.

Said that I'd also sent drunk e-mail to ex-MC, and he responded last night. That I was a bit upset about it. T: What do you want to start with? Me: Uh...I don't know. Silence. T: How about if I start by asking you a question? Me: OK. T: Why do you think the stone has such meaning to you?

Me: ...Um, well, uh... T: Let me give you the example of what would be the 90% not weird that I mentioned. Do you think it's that it represents this space, this room? Because it came from this room, which is a safe space? Me: Hm, I guess that's part of it, but maybe not just that? T: I'd consider myself a part of this room right now, or maybe just having a therapist in this chair. Me: Well, more like that. But not just any random therapist. T: Would something from ex-MC's office have the same effect? Oh, maybe he's a bad example. Me: His old office used to make me feel really safe. Less so his new one. T: Oh, so maybe spaces are really important to you then. Me: Kinda? I mean, it's calming in here, but I don't know if it would be same effect if I was sitting in here alone.

T: OK. Let me explain what the 10% creepy part is (I'd used "weird" before, he changed to "creepy," which made me feel worse...). If the stone was about me, that it came from me, that would bother me. Me: ... T: Like if you thought of it as a part of me and that's why it has meaning. Me: ... T: Because it shouldn't be about me (or something like that). Me: I mean, I know that I don't know who [first name last name] is out in the world. So it couldn't really be connected to him. T: No, I don't just mean that person, I mean me as a therapist, too. Me: Oh. But... Didn't you say that was part of the room? T: Yes, a part of the room, but mostly the room. If it's about me, it's different. Like if the significance is that I held the stone and then handed it to you. Me: Oh...because I think that maybe is part of it.

I said I thought maybe it was more of a spectrum sort of with part being the room, part him. He said something about it being a part of him. I said it wasn't like, say, I'd managed to get snippings of his hair and was holding onto them. He said he'd put that on other end of same spectrum with stone representing him. Me: [crying and hiding my face]. T: Why are you reacting like that? Me:... I just...I think it is partly about you to me. T: Oh. Me: When you first gave me the stone...I thought that meant you were comfortable working with attachment and transference with me, like a sign of that kind of. Since you said you hadn't given a client a transitional object before.

T: Well, actually, I felt kind of put on the spot that day. You asked me for it near end of session (I thought it was halfway through, but whatever), you had a big interview the next day, I wanted you to be at your best. Me: Oh. T: So I figured I'd just give you something for the interview. Me: I guess I should have given it back after the interview... I can give it back. T: It's OK. Me:... He also compared it to a fan going onto Bruce Willis' property and taking something from his trash and treasuring it because it belonged to him. Then he said, "Well, except I gave this to you." I said "Exactly it's different."

I think I asked why it would be bad if it was about him? Trying to remember how we got to this part. He said because if it was about him, it wouldn't be healthy for me. Me: ... T: If you were to develop transference for me, that probably wouldn't be good. Me: [In my head: How do you not realize I already have transference? Pretty sure I told you that!] Uh. T: I mean, if you developed transference, would you even want to keep working with me? Me: Actually, I think I would. If you'd be willing to work with me. I couldn't really work on it with ex-MC because of the situation. I mean, I intentionally chose a male T who was a bit older than me, figuring it could come up, then I could work through it. (For the record, he knew all this, I was pretty up front with him when I started seeing him, and he knew all the history with ex-MC, so...)

I mentioned how I knew he wasn't that trained in transference stuff, but would he still be willing to work with me on it? He said yes. He seemed very uncomfortable, like his body language, during this part, fidgety. I said I was just scared we'd get partway through working on it, then he'd realize was too much or he didn't feel comfortable, I'd come in and he'd hand me a bunch of referrals. He said he'd only ever opted to refer one client out, and that was like a physical threat where police had to be called.

I said I was also worried that he would *want* to refer me out but feel like he couldn't because of what had happened with ex-MC. He said he'd be honest with me if things were bothering him, that he wouldn't let it build up and then suddenly terminate me. I said OK. Somewhere in there he asked what working with transference meant for me. I said figuring out/playing out patterns, figuring out stuff I was missing from childhood, making new patterns. He seemed to agree with that, said he thought I'd figured some of that stuff out already. I said some, but more work to be done.

Was almost end. He said he was sorry we didn't get to ex-MC e-mail. I said was OK. He asked if we were OK, if there was more we needed to talk about. I said I wasn't sure, expressed some worries again. He just seemed like particularly intense and caring in that last 10 minutes, like just how he was looking at me really intently and seemed to be trying to understand. Which pushed some of the other stuff out of my head for a bit. Right at end, he asked again, "Are we OK?" I said yes, I thought so. Scheduled, paid while I mentioned Mother's Day card my D had made for me. T: Right, I forgot, Happy Mother's Day! Me: Thanks. Shook hands, "Good luck out there today." Me: "Thanks." T: Don't get rained on (it was cloudy). Me: I'll try, you too.

Tears started coming again in the car and some of what he said earlier hit me. Seeing him again tomorrow because I'm trying to figure out if this is workable or if I should just cut my losses and terminate (which would hurt like hell right on the heels of terminating with ex-MC...and over feelings/transference again, I guess.) Yeah, I should probably have waited till my Thursday session, but I'm hoping either he can clarify some of this (like maybe if he thought about it more), and then it won't be swirling around in my head for days. Or that he can make it more clear whether I want to continue working with him (at least on anything attachment/transference related) and I can start figuring out where to go from here.