lately i have been falling faster...
falling deeper...

into the black hole of depression...

it has consumed me...taken over life completely..
it's like a black smog...suffocating the breath of life from me....

my body aching with anxiety...cramping in pain..
the nausea...
throwing up nearly every day...over and over as the physicality of depression drains my soul...
anxiety attacks...late at night...where i can no longer breathe...or scream..or ask for help...
where not even a cigarette will calm my shattered nerves..
where i have this compulsion to run...
out the house..down the street...to somewhere i can hide and cry...
where i long to 'use'...to embrace my 'vice'..once more..

the hopelessness...the helplessness...the inability to get out of bed...
the tiredness and fatigue...from lying in bed for hours..
without sleeping..without resting...
the pain in every muscle, every bone and every joint...
insomnia...

the thoughts that i am useless...that i am ugly...that i am bad..
the thoughts that i am worthless...not worth the dirt beneath your shoes..
the thoughts that i am a burden..that friends will leave me...

the reoccuring thought that i am poisonous....and destroy everything..

the insecurity...that makes me cling...makes me hold onto friends for dear life...so that i won't be left alone or abandoned...the fear of being unloveable...the irrational thoughts that seem so right at the time...

the saddness of my sweet inner child...who's heart is bleeding..who's wrists are bleeding...who's heart and soul craves the love i never received...who longs to be held...and comforted...and loved...

the screams of the child who LOVES...with everything she has...
the child who cries and hurts as no friend or lover can EVER LOVE as much as this hurting child...

the memories of being used...of being abused..
the denial i lived with for years and years...building up in intensity and pressure...until it burst...and flooded my mind with the pain and images of sexual abuse...victim..survivor....?? or guilty....

the withdrawl..and isolation...the loneliness and darkeness...
the social phobia...

the tears...the weeping...the pillows drenched as i cry myself to sleep...

the thoughts of death..of dying..of suicide..
the plan and the intent...
the attempt...that failed...
the fear....

i have fallen...i have crashed...i have slipped..over the edge..

i am lost..i am scared..

i am crying..

i am so depressed.....