...that i could trust people enough to open up to them and be honest with them
...that i could ask for help when I need it
...that i could ask for a cuddle and support when I need it
...that i could leave my 'happy, everything's fine, I'm coping fine' mask in the bottom of the drawer
...that i could let peple into my life, into my world.
The only people that i am honest with are you here at PC and my t. The trouble is that although i am honest with my t, I hold back so much. I do here too, but not nearly to the same extent as IRL.
I feel so alone. No-one knows what my life is about really. My neighbours have no idea that I survive on the invalids benefit (I think it's the disability one in the US), or even that depression and other members of its family rule my life, or even that if I didn't take my tablets every day I would be unrecognisable as the carefree, happy in control person that greets them daily. I wish that I trusted enough to allow people to get close to me, so that they could see that in fact I am not coping, that I am not 'great', that the things that I have been alluding to recently (e.g. the fact that I am physically too tired to mow my lawns, the fact that I have been so stressed that I have started smoking again) are all indicators that I am not coping too well at the moment. But if anyone even thought that then I would go out of my way to show that I am 'fine', that there is nothing for them to worry about. Because my greatest fear is that, is for people to get too close to me, is for them to think that i am not coping, is for them to gain my trust. Because if you start to trust people then you are left wide open to the possibility of getting hurt...
...i really wish that someone could give me a great big hug right now...