welp, therapy was an EPIC FAIL today.

i was undecided if i wanted to tell her how i reacted to her cancelling on me sort of last minute (late last friday, when my session was on monday, and for something she should have known ahead of time). mostly i didn't want to, because i am not angry about it anymore, but i also know it was an extreme reaction to her cancelling.

she started off by saying she needs to end exactly at 30 after from now on, for reasons i understand...but we used to go to 40-45 after, so that blows. i think that set the tone, and i said ti was fine (because it is, because am i going to say NO, I DEMAND YOU GIVE ME EXTRA TIME).

Then she asked how i thought therapy was going (i was sitting in complete silence and was so stretched away from her, my back started hurting halfway in), and i sort of shrugged. after a few more silent minutes on my end, i said i contemplating cancelling today. she asked if i was thinking of just cancelling today or for future? I told her I thought about both options but in the end decided not to.

Of course she asked why...and the rest of the hour (aka: 15 minutes in) was me torturing myself because I could NOT get myself to say that i overreacted to her email cancelling, spiraling downward. There was no way i was ever planning on telling her that i was furious, but if i said "overreacted" it seems more "normal."

Except I couldn't do it.

And then, she said that she knows i email often after sessions, and that it seems i can better able to tell her my feelings which we both know is true. So she suggested that I write on Sunday, and bring it in her to monday, that way she can read it and we can process what I was actually feeling instaed of my email getting lost in the the week.

I abruptly got up (at 28 after, because i won't ever go over now), put my check on the table (which i normally hand her--also in which she always ends sessions and gives me time to get up) and said "Its fine, i can do that (meaning the writing)," and got the H out of there.

UGH. She was like "Uhhh...okay. Have a good week." I knwo she was thrown off by my abruptness, but I was so effing mad at myself that I couldn't handle another second.

Everything feels bad.

I know she is trying to help, and it does make sense that I bring in my writings so we can actually talk about it in session (which will make me so much more nervous). 99% of the time we don't address what I write in emails.

But GOD, I HATE myself for not being able to talk about something as simple as "I reacted badly to you cancelling." I bet that thought was furthest from her mind as she thinks I dread every week and is wondering if she is helping, and hopefully not harming me.

What I've never been able to tell her is that I spend most of the week looking forward to therapy, as it is the one place I actually am myself, for better or worse. Except I do get really nervous most of the time, and I can always verbalize that.

The part that shuts down and runs away wants to quit. Really bad. I don't even know how she can help anyway, as my problems are so nebulous and I don't even know myself 90% of the time, and I 100% of the time don't know what I want, so how can she help that?

Except the other part that does look forward going to therapy just deflates and goes completely hopeless at the one outlet I have.

OMG. I accidentally clicked on a tab, and mad dash hit the back button and psychcentral saved my text. Thank god for small miracles.