Hi, all,

I'm new here, and I'm hoping I can get some help.

I (24F) have been in a relationship with a 23M for over a year and a half. We're oh-so compatible. We have the same interests, and when we first started talking I felt like I could tell him anything. We confided in each other, we were silly, it was great.

Over the course of the past few years, however, so much **** has gone down. I went through some rough times with my parents, school, and work, and without getting into the details, all made me feel worthless. I've had anxiety since I was a kid, but it's gotten worse in my 20s.

There's also been a few incidences where my bf has expressed disappointment in me. When that happens, he usually gets quiet for about a day until I finally get an answer out of him. I recently confronted him about that and asked if something is bothering him, whether with me or something else, to tell me instead of bottling it up because I can tell when he's upset, and it sucks when he won't talk to me. He's normally so caring that when he gets upset, it really makes an impact on my mind.

That being said, I think I have a sort of PTSD-response to these bumps in the road. Anytime he's quiet or seems aloof, I instantly go crazy and start to worry if I've done something wrong. This happens up to every other day, maybe more. It's the main source of anxiety in my life. I'm so scared of losing him. I get flashbacks to my first bf in high school who, too, got silent right before our breakup. Being quiet, staring at his phone, etc. are just sort of part of his personality, and I keep thinking I should be used to that by now, but it's kind of like having resting ***** face but on a guy. My stupid brain is always interpreting it as something else.

My current bf and I live together. He's shown time and time again that he cares for me. He provides emotional support, he tells me how beautiful I am, anything a girl could want.

I wish I could talk to you guys in person and explain what's going on because I feel like I can only just start to describe what I'm feeling. All I know is that I need help, specifically with:

• Feeling paranoid about my behavior around my boyfriend
• Being myself around him
• Getting better at communication—expressing when I'm feeling upset and being a good listener when he is, too

My fear of losing him overrides all other emotions I have, just in general. Although I worry that he'll leave me, he's implied he has absolutely no intentions of doing so (and this was a few weeks ago). Yet I'm constantly on edge worrying I'm going to do something wrong, and I think it's causing tensions between us. I'm typing this at work with tears in my eyes because I'm that damn afraid I'm going to ruin everything with my anxiety and paranoia. I have an appointment to see a therapist next week, but I don't know what else to do. I've tried meditation but lately it hasn't been working or I don't have time. I'm planning on sitting down and talking with him tonight because I want to stop feeling so afraid and to start enjoying our relationship again. I'm just worried he'll be offended that I see our relationship that way.

I feel so stuck. So helpless. Please help.