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mtd said:
I need to express something, perhaps just admit it out loud.

But I get tired. It's like I'm on a bike and I'm always peddling. Peddling is my recovery program. I'm not allowed to stop, and even if I try to coast, the bike falls down. I hope one day I can just coast. Just sit still. Just be.

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it IS tiring. you will get to the place where you can coast. you'll find more level paths and downhills to coast as you keep on this journey.

learning to sit still can be one of the more challenging parts of healing from abuse. learning to "be" takes practice. often those of us who were abused when younger never got a chance to just "be" so how would we know how to do something we were never taught nor had modeled for us?

writing these words in kindness and faith for the tremendous amount of work you've already done and continue to do.