Yes, it is. We both have our own brand of crazy. I never meant her out to be the death of the relationship, I certainly played my part however the deceit for so long and the instincts I had and confronted her with, always getting diverted or creating absolutely horrible arguments....... yes, this is the one. I still fell in love with her........ I suppose. Honestly, I could never really “in love”. So I don’t know what it is but during the “good” time, there was something there that I had never experienced with anyone. Those moments, the sweet moments so to speak. The times you are saying bye and neither wants to go, or the kissing is nothing less than amazing. Just those sort of things is what I cant seem to let of go I suppose.

If I really think about it and what the futur would look like, I cant see it being all that healthy without tons of therapy...... like weekly therapy. Therapeutic getaways and such, that would be the life. After learning of so much deceit and so much being hidden, the dishonesty..... I dont know that any of that is possible to get through without some sort of miracle to have those “moments” again and experience the good stuff that came with it.

I should not have made it out to be completely her fault. Truth is I am alcoholic and hadn’t drank in several months after coming off a 5 year relapse after 8 years of abstinence, I wouldn’t necessarily call it sobriety. The first time I met her I took adderall she had given, red flag. Same night, I drank beer with her, red flag......... we casually drank, she would give me her adderall here and there. At one point years ago i was on psych meds so I really didn’t think much about.

Now that I am where I am I can see where all the intuition and gut feelings just ate me because something told I was right and I would try to discuss and whew the arguments that ensued...... some of the worst things people could say to each other, that was us. So times goes, I am being eaten alive, we move in together by then I am back in very active alcoholism with whatever prescriptions I could from the doctors because of my history and it just went to hell because we were now living together and how do you hide and deceive so easily?

One thing that just was the largest red flag, she lived at her parents and was always, I mean always on her computer. I didn’t have a computer at that time. It was kind of strange she never brought it with her, I even asked if she would get it so I could do some work from home on it. Refused. IN the end she had a phone that I had bought on my wireless plan and I tried to get it back and it was such a hassle I filed an insurance claim and got a replacement. Hacked into the phone, only way I could sale it, and the things i found in that phone..... explained very well why her computer was never brought to “our” home.

That is where I found all the deciet and betrayal.

But, yes, the same woman. I have good day and bad days, yesterday so happened to be a bad day and I was hurting badly. MOre than likely I will never see her again unless I run into her at church. Few more months left on the lease of the house we leased then I am going back to the city where all my friends are. I live about 15 miles north of a nice size city and once the lease is I will find a suburb and get out of this small town and be done hopefully. This is how I would like for it to play anyway.