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Originally Posted by Skeezyks
One thing you've mentioned in this post, that stuck out for me, was the fact that your bf sometimes goes silent for a day. This is something I've had a tendency to do as well... that is to give my wife the "silent treatment".  I didn't do it to try to hurt her, but rather because I was hurting emotionally myself & just couldn't bring myself to talk.  Anyway as a result of the time I've spent here on PC I've become more attuned, I guess you might say, to the fact that giving someone the silent treatment can in-&-of-itself be a form of abuse.  So, at the risk of overwhelming you with reading material, here are links to some articles on the subject of the silent treatment as a form of abuse: |
Thank you for your kind posts in both in my intro post and in here!
I found the article on "Understand the Sounds of Silence" most helpful. I actually discussed with my bf how I want to talk about anything with him while being able to have comfortable periods of silence.
Which brings me to another topic... I actually find talking about certain things with my bf makes me uncomfortable. We initially bonded over hobbies like books and music, but over time I felt that his tastes were "better" than mine. We enjoy a lot of the same things, but there's just been a few instances where he's shown dislike towards something I like, and of course those are the moments that stick out to me. So I get nervous picking activities to do or music to listen to because I worry I'll choose the wrong thing
. I also have a tendency to think I'm inferior to others. It sucks because he's constantly encouraging me to "do my thing," to play music I like or choose a restaurant to go to, and I always have a billion factors that play into my decisions (will he like it? does this have the right vibe?) instead of going with my gut.
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Originally Posted by treevoice
I'm very sorry to hear you are fighting with this... I get that way in relationships too, and it's usually at it's worst at 1-2 years into the relationship. I'm not sure why that is, but my theory is because that's about how long it takes for us to get comfortable in a relationship and maybe not be as romantic and involved as we are when we are still fresh and trying to impress each other (just my theory). I've definitely smothered relationships during that phase, but there are also healthy ways to work through it. I highly recommend giving yourself time to process all of your emotions before acting on them.
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In my experience, it does get easier - for me usually around 2.5 years in. In the meantime, I highly recommend taking time to work on your self-worth because at the end of the day, fear of being abandoned by your loved one is often indicative of deeper self esteem issues. Wishing you the best! <3
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I appreciate I'm not the only one going through this! I'm an INFJ, and I know that means we can be kind of closed off to others. If I'm being completely honest, a perfect day after work would just be me on a balcony with headphones and my laptop. But I relatively recently and suddenly started dating someone, for only the second time in my life, and now I'm living with him!
There's definitely some deep self-esteem issues here, as indicated above. I'm not confident that I can keep the relationship together, or that I'll be exciting enough for him, silly worries like that. It's stupid because I KNOW if I just be myself, things will start to get better. But I keep focusing on the times that he's complained about me instead of the countless amount of fun memories we've made. I don't know how to stop fear from influencing my decisions.
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Originally Posted by WasabiAlmonds
Next time he goes aloof, maybe ask (in a non-accusatory way) what's wrong.
Part of communication is of course talking openly and honestly without and agenda, but the other part is being the kind of person who other people want to talk to.
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Thank you, and yes, I've been trying to work on all of the above. I know I sound desperate and anxious when I ask him what's wrong instead of expressing genuine concern as to what's bothering
him. I think we've been making some breakthroughs in our communication, but...
Ever since the last "silent treatment" last month, I know I've been acting weird/on edge. It's much easier for him to move on from our conflicts, but god it takes me forever. As I've repeatedly mentioned, I keep letting the past influence how I act now instead of being myself, instead of enjoying the present moment. I probably just need more mindfulness, but I also want to learn how to not let fear get in the way of my life...