The next big mental health thing on my horizon is a meeting with HR at work (and it seems everyone's cousin) about reasonable accommodations for a faculty member in academia. I willing to cancel this meeting since they basically already said no and the guest list keeps growing. Okay - so how many people need to be there when I disclose a confidential matter??

So in session today we talked about this upcoming meeting and that yes we would be keeping the meeting. T is more interested than me, although I could possibly be fleeing in fear! When I think about this meeting independently, I see no point. When I talk about it with t, I see the value.

As she talked about the meeting it occurred to me that she is going into this meeting as a advocate. I'm shocked that a t can be an advocate, and I'm shocked by my shocked reaction.

This really feels different, like she is actively helping. Like, one thing I struggle with is being able to call in sick when I am in bed depressed. She asked if it would be easier if I emailed her and she emailed my chair. That's being involved! But the issue isn't with me sending one email to my chair - it's that these things take coordination and multiple emails and that can easily become too much when I am barely surviving life.

I told her that it is helpful when I am doing poorly and she tells me to take a day off, like in some sense I am being given permission. What I need to do is get the courage to talk about what I really needed this past crash was more contact with her - that if she had no openings, could I just call? Of course that conversation feels like scaling Mt Everest.

The big question at this point is where do she and I sit in relation to each other in the room. Generally I hate being too physically close to anyone, and I cannot look at her in session. Now the question is - does she sit next to me or across the room. I feel like sitting next to me would offer more support. But it also feels too close. But there are definitely folks coming to this meeting next week who make me even more anxious. And then she said we could walk back to my office or where ever I am going to make sure I am okay after the meeting.

This is all so much to process.