Preface: I know there's the potential for strong opinions about some of the things T said in today's session. I have decided to continue working with him for now. It's OK to comment on the session itself, if you like. But I respectfully ask for no negative judgment on my decision to keep working with him. Thank you.

T today. Sat down. He said he'd read the e-mail I'd sent (outlining a few things that were bothering me from previous session--I'd asked if I could send for him to read in advance). Where did I want to start? I said with the stone. Said how it bothered me that he'd called it "creepy" when I had said "weird." He said he misremembered what I'd said and that both words have the same meaning to him. I said that "creepy" has different connotation to me, suggests a threat. Mentioned the comparison to stealing trash from Bruce Willis' house. While he'd given stone to me. That it felt he was judging me for connecting it to him (instead of just room). That when I'd shared with him that I held the stone, I wanted him to say he was glad it was given me comfort. When instead, it turned into this whole other thing (I was crying during all of this).

He said that we had a professional relationship, so it felt weird that I was getting comfort from the stone. That I was seeing it as a part of him. I said I didn't really see it as "a part of him," just something he'd given me. That I had thought it was a way to hold a connection to him when I was out of session, how that's what I'd thought point of transitional object was. How, say, instead of contacting him, I could hold that. How he'd said in a previous session how some people can hold connection within them, while others need outside reminder. So I'd thought he understood. He said, "Well, at some point you have to learn to hold it inside." Me: "Right but I figured I'd work toward that?" I said how I'd gotten sense transitional objects were fairly common, but he seemed to doubt that. Like saying another T might not have given me one.

At that point, I took the stone from my purse and handed it to him, saying through tears, "Take your stone back, this is tainted now." He took it and put it on the notepad next to him.

I said how I'd told him right from the beginning that I had issues with transference for male authority figures (like ex-MC), that it was likely to develop for him, and was he OK with that? How I'd asked him multiple times during working together if he was still good with that, if he was willing to see it through, even though I knew he wasn't well trained in it. And now with him saying the day before that he felt transference for him would be unhealthy, it felt like a bait and switch. How I already had transference for him (and thought he knew that), so what the hell am I supposed to do now? (again, crying, hiding my face).

Then I said, "Maybe I should just leave, maybe this is pointless. I wanted you to say things, like you were sorry for what you said to me, that you were sorry you hurt me, but you're not saying any of it..." T: "But I was being honest with you." Me: "But it hurt, you were judging my feelings." T: "I could also say you were judging mine." Me: "But I thought therapy was supposed to be about the client's feelings, not the therapist's?" T: "I don't agree with that." Me: Uh. T, rather emphatically: "You affect me, [LT]." Me: ... T: "Maybe you don't think you do, but you do." Me: ...

He said he was trying to be honest with me on how it felt on his side. That other people in my life might not tell me that. But that he wanted me to see the effect that some things I could say or do could have on others. How maybe I could be pushing people away with things I did, but not realizing it. That in being honest with me, he hoped he could help my outside relationships.

I said how I wasn't really used to people in my past being honest with me, including my parents. And ex-MC probably wasn't, really, until the end. So maybe that's why T's being honest was so jarring to me? But that maybe it could ultimately help me. That I had to get used to it, because it could feel hurtful. T said he didn't intend to be hurtful or to be cruel, just honest. I said, "So like you wouldn't tell me, 'That outfit looks awful on you.'" He said no, but he'd tell me if I had toilet paper on my shoe. Or if I was on my way to job interview and wearing something inappropriate.

I brought up my concerns about his dealing with transference again. He said he was afraid I was just falling into another bad pattern with him like with ex-MC that would hurt me. That I was giving too much attention to him and that was taking away from other relationships in my life, like marriage and friendships. I just cried and said I felt judged. He asked what I meant by feeling judged, which...what? I tried to explain but not sure I was successful.

I said that I thought that the therapeutic relationship could act as a model for other relationships, like work through things in session, then could be applied elsewhere. I said I felt that had happened with me standing up more to ex-MC and ex-T, which led to me standing up more to H and others in my life. T (reflectively): "Oh. Huh."

I said maybe he misunderstood what I meant when I talked about working through transference. How really it was more that I wanted to be able to share with him certain feelings that came up related to him and examine them--but also didn't want to feel judged for them. That many feelings were clearly mostly from the past rather than really about him. That seemed a lightbulb moment for him. He said maybe he focused too much on how he felt about things I shared, that maybe we needed to give more time to where the stuff was coming from, like my past.

He said he felt he really didn't have that good of a sense of my childhood. I said maybe we had to delve more into that. He said he got a sense of trauma in there, from my reactions to things, but I hadn't mentioned anything major. I said that was interesting, because ex-T had said the same thing. I mentioned a couple types of things that had not happened to me. Said at one point, I'd made a list for T of smaller things that could maybe fall under that category. How we'd discussed them some one session, then...that night I learned ex-MC's wife had died, so that derailed that topic. How maybe I could find the list and bring it in for T. He said that sounded like a good idea. That maybe we could work more on past stuff to deal with transference. I agreed. He added that maybe my ongoing anxiety since childhood without having someone understanding it or providing relief could be a source of ongoing trauma. I said was interesting and something to explore.

Was near stopping time. T said he'd spent lots of time reading the e-mail and thinking about what I'd said. He said, "[LT], I care about how well you do." That he wanted me to find more peace in my relationships. I said I wanted that, too.

He asked how I felt about things. I said I felt I wanted to continue working with him. To try and see how it goes. Confirmed Monday, scheduled for next Thursday. I made comment about the time in between (since I'd canceled this Thursday for today), how I would do my best to sit with any feelings. T: "You know my e-mail policy." Me: "But I worry I've already abused it." T: "It hasn't changed, it's just if it's anything over 15 minutes, then a charge." Me: "OK, just worry because of ex-T and ex-MC. But I guess you'd let me know if a problem, right?" T: "Yes." He said credit card machine wasn't working, so I could pay next time.

Shook hands (forget what he said during). T: "Feel free to check in later this week to let me know how you're doing." Me: "OK, I'll try not to, but good to know I can." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

It's hard for me to explain how it felt in the room during that hour. There was a sort of rawness to the whole session, which I'm not sure I can convey accurately in words. I hadn't really felt that in there before. It felt...real. Or maybe to use his word, honest.