My mom caught me doing something other than schoolwork on my computer just a minute ago. I don't think she saw what I was doing - looking for online counselors - but she knows something is up.

I think I may be experiencing Complex PTSD, including what I realized are emotional flashbacks. I just want help. I just want to find help and they're taking it away more and more. Do they want me to die? I don't know what's real, I just want to know what reality is but they've taken it away from me and I can't trust myself so for all I know I'm overreacting.

I should be happy when I hear the dog coming down the stairs. I should be happy. I shouldn't be afraid, but I am because that dog only comes down when mom comes down. I shouldn't be afraid of her. But I'm so afraid of her, I'm afraid of both of them. I shouldn't keep seeing her coming around the corner when nobody's there. I shouldn't hear his voice when it's a car engine revving instead. I shouldn't default to getting nervous when I get a text but I do, because maybe it's them telling me that I'm in trouble again, that I did something wrong without realizing it. God, someone get me out of here.