Sigh...

My session was... ok

But I feel I've messed things up

The S stuff... then I told him about the session I'd scheduled with J (edit to add: J is the T I saw right after S left, and he's my "back-up" T but I haven't seen him again since starting to see C... but C can't see me for a session coming up, so I scheduled a session with J....) AND mentioned that Group T had asked about part mapping, which C didn't know anything about and seemed reluctant to consider doing...all of this has led to him feeling some insecurity.

Email from C:

I suspect that a combination of my attachment to you, your attachment to S, the recognition that S understands you better than I do, the re-emergence of J, and a helpful suggestion from another therapist (Group T) about what you and I should do, has lead my own insecure part to worry about the value of my role with you.

I feel kind of awful, and I've gone ahead and cancelled the session with J, but that does mean yet another week of only seeing C once...and I just feel really...idk...shaky right now. With all the death stuff and the insomnia and the S stuff...

I pretty much just want to dig a hole and hide in it.

And I can't stop EATING EVERYTHING.