Thanks for the responses and further explanation. Unfortunately, though, I already cancelled the session with J. And, since I told him the reason was that you aren't comfortable with me seeing another T unless you're gone for an extended period of time, I kind of doubt he'll see me in July.

Honestly, it's probably for the best. J isn't even the right T for me to go to if something happens to you... he's just my back-up T because he was there when S left, and so we have that history. But, actually, he's not who I should end up with if something happens to you.

And, yes, I'm currently obsessed with the worry of something happening to you.

I am glad you honestly tell me about your thoughts and feelings though -- S used to make me feel crazy by denying the reactions and changes in him that I KNEW I was seeing. With you, I know I can ask and get an honest answer -- I don't have to guess or jump through hoops trying to guess your next move or what your reactions to things will be.

I know you feel 'bleh' about the fact that S understands me and knows what I'm thinking so easily while you really have to work at it... I admit that there is something desirous about a person (especially one in a 'caretaker role') who gets me like that...who I don't have to explain everything to... who just knows. (After all, isn't that like...the ultimate 'perfect mom?' The one who can know the baby's needs without her even having to cry?) BUT... there's also a lot of benefit to the explaining.

Yeah, my emotional connection with S (emphasis on MY side of the connection...not his) was very intense and hit very deep because he understood and knew me so well (or at least seemed to), but it didn't help ME know MYSELF better.... even though the explaining can sometimes frustrate me in moments when I'm desperately desiring for you to understand (because you understanding makes me feel connected to you), it also helps me to actually pay attention to my thought processes and the "why" behind the things I'm thinking or feeling.

Yeah. It makes me feel taken care of when S says assertive things like "I know what's going on in your head right now, and TMC, I need you to calm down for me...*insert reassurance here*" ... but after 4 years, I also know it's just words. He says all the right things, but at the end of the day, his words are empty, because there's no action. Maybe there used to be, but there's not anymore. His words are like giving me pain killers without doing anything for the injury. They wear off, and then I just want more, because it still hurts...and because now I've had a taste of it not hurting. And, over time, they become less effective.

They've become ineffective. Now, they just hurt.

I would rather explain it to you than have him just know. Because I know that I can depend on you. I can trust what you say you'll do. I can trust what you say you think and believe. Your words aren't empty.

And now I'm done with the flattery :P